An Unfortunate Mix Up
by Insane Guy of DOOM
Summary: Post-Game. After accidentally having her DNA altered by one of Mordin's experiments, Tali ends up pregnant with Commander Shepard's child. How will the crew react? What will the Migrant Fleet think? Oh boy, this can't end well. MShep/Tali. Epilogue is up!
1. The Science Makes no Sense

Yay, first ever Mass Effect story!

* * *

Garrus strolled through the bridge of the Normandy on his way to pay a visit to Mordin. The metal jaw and scarring had been cool at first, but the turian was hoping that it could be upgraded to something a little less horrific looking. Upon entering Dr. Solus' laboratory he found the salarian in question hunched over his computer typing at an extremely fast pace.

"Greetings. Can't talk much right now. Working on genophage cure." Mordin said in his quick and fragmented way.

"You're trying to _cure_ the genophage? I thought you were the one who improved it." Garrus asked incredulously. Mordin looked up from his work and briefly nodded before he resumed typing.

"Shepard said that if extreme mental turmoil resulted from genophage creation, might be best to cure it. Also would not want Maelon's research to be for nothing. Too many lives lost." With this development Garrus forgot his original reason for visiting the doctor, now he wished to learn more about the cure.

"So… does it work?" He asked nervously, unsure as to whether he wanted to krogan genophage cured or not.

"Made significant progress, but no cure. So far have created a similar virus which causes DNA inside reproductive cells to become more receptive. Would in theory allow a krogan to produce hybrid offspring with another species but not cure effects of genophage. Could work for other races too." Mordin got up from his terminal and went over to a rack full of test tubes. He searched through the tubes before returning with a dismayed look on his face and small vial in one hand.

"Strange. Seem to have misplaced it, Tali'Zorah's antibiotics in place where I had left it…" The scientist scratched his chin and paused before realization dawned on him. "Oh dear…"

"What's wrong?" Garrus had a feeling he knew what had happened but still wanted to be sure.

"N-nothing wrong." Mordin stammered. "Just might want to expect a new crewmember in nine months or so. Oh, it's my for my hour of sleep. Must leave now. Good day Garrus." Mordin scurried out of the room before Garrus could react. The turian in question thought about what he had just heard.

"Ah, I'm sure nothing will happen." He said to no one in particular. Garrus left the lab and began his trek back the crew's quarters.

* * *

Meanwhile in Commander Shepard's room, the hero of the galaxy was sitting at his desk reflecting on what had transpired in the weeks before. He had saved the Collector Base, believing that to defeat the Reapers humanity would need to understand their technology however no one else, not even Miranda the number 1 Cerberus fan girl, thought it was a wise move. He then turned to more pleasant thoughts. Namely that despite it being labeled a suicide mission, only Legion has perished in the assault and even then they had told Shepard beforehand that Geth never truly die and that their memories and feelings would simply be added to other Geth's collective awareness. His thoughts were rudely interrupted by the sounds of the door of his quarters opening.

"Shepard," rang out the voice of one Tali'Zorah vas Normandy "We need to talk." The commander got up from his desk and walked over to the quarian.

"What's on your mind Tali?" She suddenly took a great interest in her hands and refused to meet Shepard's eyes. "Tali, is something wrong? Are you sick? Don't worry I'll get doctor C-" He was interrupted by Tali putting her hand on his shoulder.

"No, no. I'm fine. It's just that… well you see… my pouch has distended." Shepard looked at her in utter confusion.

"You have a _pouch_?"

"Yes. Most of the time it's shrunken and sealed, which is why you didn't notice it when we, you know. It only distends for one reason unless I've gotten some sort of unknown disease which could be caused by my being exposed to atmosphere of the Normandy-" Tali began to lapse into her defense mechanism of rambling on.

"Tali, just tell me what's wrong. What does your pouch being distended mean." She looked him straight in the eyes and pulled her mask off in order to let Shepard see the emotion in her face.

"It means that… I'm pregnant." And with those words, Commander Shepard, hero of the galaxy, who had stared death in the eyes more times than he could count without flinching, fainted.

* * *

If the response to this is good I might make another chapter, though for now it's a one shot. As for the pouch, for some reason I think it would fit if quarians had them. They do like hiding things on their person…


	2. The Birds and the Bees and the Exosuits

Before the chapter commences, I would like to address some things:

Hessan and Angurvddel: Thanks pointing out the dextro-protein DNA issue; that will be addressed at a later point in the story (However it will be pretty much a copout). As for the pregnancy time frame, I had stupidly assumed that the time in the pouch would be considered pregnancy. And on Tali not taking her medication, she said she had taken antibiotics and herbal supplements so she only missed one thing. If she had taken everything the illness would have been a bit better (And by better I mean she would be able to describe what was in her nasal passages, so not very).

Everyone Else: Thanks for your reviews. It is because of you this story will reach is second chapter and beyond!

* * *

Chapter 2: The Birds and the Bees and the Exosuits

When Shepard awoke he found a nervous Tali hovering over him, she had still not put her mask back on and he wondered whether being outside her suit would hurt the baby- With that train of thought he remembered what was going on and almost fainted again.

"Shepard? Are you okay? I'm so sorry!" She began to cry when the Commander sat up and embraced her.

"Don't cry. Why would be sorry? I'm not angry that your pregnant, I've always wanted kids actually… just never imagined they would be mutant human-quarian hybrid ones…" Shepard said while stroking her back.

"I'm not crying because of the pregnancy." Tali gasped out between sobs. "I'm crying because I just banged my foot against your bed." Once the pain subsided she joined Shepard on the bed.

"So…" the Commander began. "How do you think this happened?"

"Maybe when Cerberus brought you back they accidentally did something to your DNA? Or maybe I was exposed to something when I had my suit off?" Tali suggested. While pondering this, Shepard noticed the cover a vid lying at the foot of his bed. The vid was titled "The Birds, The Bees, and the Exosuits: A Guide to a Healthy Human/Quarian Relationship by Doctor Mordin Solus" and was adorned with a picture of a male human and a female quarian staring at one another with cartoon hearts instead of eyes.

"That's it! If anyone would know how this happened it's Mordin." Tali nodded in agreement and put her mask back on. The two then excited Shepard's quarters and headed for the lab.

* * *

The pair entered Mordin's lab where the salarian scientist could be seen typing away at his computer like always.

"Mordin? Tali and I have a, um, issue and I remembered the vids you gave us and thought you'd be the most qualified to help." Mordin looked up from his work, already having a good idea what the "issue" was.

"You like the vids? Made a whole series of them, can borrow them whenever you want. Quite informative." He stated in attempt to change the subject. Mordin handed Shepard several vids labeled _Turians: The Question of Ingestion_, _Asari Courtship: It's not all about Melding_ and _Yes, they Have Four: Krogans and You_. "Also have _Love Chafes: A Drell Guide for Humans _but loaned it to Yeoman Chambers."

"Don't try and change the subject Mordin… wait Yeoman Chambers?" Shepard's thoughts turned to Kelly and Thane and a disturbed look crossed his face. Seeing that this was the perfect time to make his escape, Mordin began to slowly inch away from his desk towards the door. However Tali caught him.

"This is serious Mordin… I'm pregnant."

* * *

I'm wondering if I should make it a running gag that the last line in each chapter is Tali saying "I'm pregnant".


	3. The Shortest Chapter Ever

I found it odd that none of the original reviews reviewed chapter 2, oh well.

* * *

Chapter 3: The Shortest Chapter Ever

"Pregnant…" Mordin's already comically oversized eyes widened even further. "WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL ACCIDENT!" His raised him arms up as a makeshift shield. "Didn't mean too, was completely unexpected!" Tali lunged and the salarian and pinned him to the wall. _Wow, quarians are stronger than they look_ Shepard thought.

"What did you do to me you bosh'tet!?" She banged Mordin's head against the wall for emphasis. He gulped loudly and began to explain.

"Was working on genophage cure, attempt to create a second virus which would increase female krogan reproductive cell's reactivity to different types of DNA in hopes of bypassing effects of genophage. Didn't work exactly, allowed inter species hybridization but didn't work on krogan genophage. Had been doing extensive tests on Grunt with no success-"

"Wait." Shepard interrupted. "You said that the cure was for female krogans." Mordin nodded. "And you were doing tests on Grunt… On second thought, I don't want to know. Just keep talking."

"Anyways, I believe I may have accidentally given Tali'Zorah genophage cure instead of one of her antibiotics." Tali's eyes narrowed behind her visor and increased the pressure she was putting on Mordin. Shepard walked over and put his hand on the quarian's shoulder, signaling for her to let the poor scientist go.

"Tali, I know you're angry and you have every right to be, but this isn't the way to solve things."

* * *

Shepard unceremoniously through Mordin into the women's restroom and smiled as screams of terror came from Miranda, Jack and the various other female crew members, followed by the sound of fists against fragile salarian skin. The Commander turned to Tali. "_That's_ how you solve things."

* * *

Sorry for the shortness, but it ending with them throwing Mordin in the women's restroom was just too perfect. The next chapter "Quarian Pregnancy 101" should be longer.


	4. Quarian Pregnancy 101

Chapter Four: Quarian Pregnancy 101

_Doctor Solus, the men's restroom is down the hall_, EDI's voice rang out causing Shepard and Tali to burst into a fit of laughter. Once their giggles had subsided the pair retreated to a secluded area of the Normandy so that they would not overheard by any of the crew.

"So, how are you holding up Tali?" The Commander asked.

"Pretty good actually, considering the circumstances." Tali replied while smiling, though no one would be able to tell that she was due to the helmet. "I guess it might be a good idea to tell you a bit more about the pregnancy process for quarians." She added.

"Sounds like a plan." Commander Shepard put on the most encouraging expression he had. Tali began to explain the intricacies of quarian pregnancy to him.

"Well, this is what I remember from sexual education on the flotilla. The most important thing you should know is that quarians have two pregnancies. First there's the time where the foetus develops inside the womb for about a month. Then the child, which at the time is little more than a writhing sack of partially-developed organs, will follow a pheromone trail leading to its mother's pouch. The pouch seals shut behind the infant and the second "pregnancy" begins. The baby will continue to grow and develop inside the pouch while absorbing nutrient rich secretions from the pouch's walls for another eight months after which it will emerge and immediately be placed inside a bubble until its immune system develops. The only time the infant can leave the bubble is to breastfeed. Because quarian breast milk is completely sterile, it is the only thing a newborn quarian can ingest. This means that if anything is to happen to a child's mother it's pretty much a death sentence for the baby." Tali paused to breath after talking nearly nonstop.

"Um… wow." Shepard took in the massive amount of information he had just been given. "Are there any… physical symptoms of the pregnancy? Like how your pouch distended."

"Yes. Sometime during the first week after conception the mother's pouch distends. In the second week they become extremely protective of their mate, to the degree that they will attack anyone seen fraternizing with him. By the third week I'll start walking around naked-"

"You're going to be walking around naked?" Shepard smirked. "I'm starting to like this pregnancy thing more and more."

"I wouldn't exactly be able to give birth in this thing." Tali explained while motioning to her exosuit. "By the third week of the pregnancy the mother's immune system receives a significant boost which allows them to survive sans-exosuit in a fairly large space, such as the interior of the Normandy. Sadly the effect wears off once the baby is born and all attempts to artificially cause the immune boost have yielded little success." Shepard embraced the quarian once her explanation has done.

"Tali, I just want you to know I'll be there for you through all of this. I love you." Tali returned the hug.

"While that was obvious and you didn't really need to say that, thanks Shepard. I love you too."

* * *

The Normandy was programmed to simulate a 24 hour day, as it was what humans were most comfortable with, so at the moment EDI had shut down most of the lights in order to remind the crew it was time to get some shut-eye. However Commander Shepard was still up as was Mess Sergeant Gardener. The chef had been serving Shepard glass after glass of pan galactic gargle blasters, one of the galaxy's most popular alcoholic beverages mainly due to the feeling of one's head exploding when it is imbibed. Shepard slammed his most recent cup down on the counter.

"Get me another one." The Commander commanded.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" Gardener asked.

"I'll tell you when I've had enough." Shepard growled. Neither of the two noticed another figure take a seat next to the Commander.

"You can't drown out fatherhood in alcohol, Shepard." Garrus Vakarian casually commented.

"Garrus? How did you find out?" Shepard demanded, worrying that Tali might've been telling the crew while he was busy drinking far more alcohol than any sane person should.

"I was talking with Mordin earlier today and he mentioned the genophage cure and how he might've given it to Tali by accident. I figured the rest out myself when I found you."

"I'm not worried about being a dad. I'm worried about the reapers. Tali and I couldn't possibly raise a child while fighting them. But if we don't stop the reapers our kid will be as good as dead." Shepard put his face in hands while Garrus waited for him to continue. Eventually he realized that Shepard had fallen into a drunken stupor and decided that now was the perfect time to put his plan into motion.

First he waited for Gardener to turn in, and then turned on a nearby computer terminal and loaded up the extranent. Garrus came as close as a turian could to smiling as he began playing his favorite game: Galaxy of Fantasy. His character was a level 80 turian shiv'rass, which was a figure in turian mythology similar to an assassin…

* * *

The next "morning" Shepard awoke with a headache to end all headaches. He sat up and groaned while trying to get the stiffness from his back. Eventually the Commander hobbled to the elevator and headed down to his quarters in hopes of peacefully sleeping his hangover away. That would not be so as he found Tali sitting on his bed, nervously wringing her hands.

"Oh Keelah, oh Keelah seh'lai!" Tali cried out. "Shepard I just realized, what're we going to tell the crew?" She was far too distressed to wonder where Shepard had been all night.

"We'll just have to be straight with them. Just sit everyone down and tell them the truth, it'll be like ripping off a band aid."

"What about the Migrant Fleet? We'll have to inform them of this too." Shepard's ruse of calm demeanor vanished. He and Tali weren't exactly on good terms with the flotilla after the geth debacle… and when Grunt mistook the fleet's water supply as a toilet, which lead to the poisoning and death of seven quarians.

"Let's focus and the crew and cross that bridge when he come to it." He finally answered. "Now scoot over, I've got the galaxy's worst hangover." Tali recoiled in shock.

"You were out getting drunk, and you didn't bring me with you?!" She got up off the bed and stormed out. "I'll be back once I'm good and hammered." The engineer remarked as the door closed behind her.

* * *

There you go. The next chapter will feature the crew's reactions. Also, feel free to contribute any ideas you have for the crew and Migrant Fleet's reactions!


	5. The Longest Chapter Ever

Here's chapter five, in which the crew finds out!

Also, about the alcohol thing, that was meant to be a joke but based on most of the reviewer's reactions, I take it the joke was a bit too offensive. It shall not be repeated.

* * *

Chapter Five: The Longest Chapter Ever

Zaeed Massani drew the M-9 assault rifle to his face and smiled warmly. "Daddy's here, Jessie. Daddy's here." He cooed at the weapon. The assassin proceeded to kiss the barrel of the gun passionately. In their amore the man and boom stick fell upon the table. Things were getting very heated when the intercom rang out with Commander Shepard's voice.

_Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately._ Zaeed grunted and lovingly placed Jessie back on the table. "Until next time, my sweet." He blew a kiss before heading towards the elevator.

* * *

Grunt was angry. Shepard had neglected to take him for a walk recently (Which, in Grunt's case, meant dropping the krogan on a random planet and letting him beat the living daylights out of whatever he found there until his bloodlust was sated for the moment.) and it was wearing on his nerves. _Hmm,_ Grunt thought to himself, _Garrus is always sneaking out at night to play that extranet game… I wonder how killing people on the extranet feels?_ Having decided that it may be a viable alternative until his walks resumed, he left the cargo area to seek out Garrus when Commander Shepard's voice resonated from the intercom.

_Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately_. Grunt decided he would ask Garrus there instead of going through the trouble of finding him.

* * *

The reason why Samara spent most of her time meditating wasn't due to her justicar code, as most on the Normandy believed. In actuality it was due to a small problem of hers which she would never admit to. As a matriarch she was getting on in years, yet she kept her youthful appearance. However she was suffering from some less noticeable signs of old age. Namely, Samara had a common problem with older asari known as "Projectile Dysfunction", in other words she was becoming a bit senile and couldn't control her biotic powers as well as she used to. To combat this issue, Samara spent nearly all of her free time meditating in hopes of overcoming her old age induced troubles and she was about to make a breakthrough. Sadly her concentration was shattered as the intercom blared.

_Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately_,

* * *

Drell assassins were supposedly the most feared in Citadel Space due to their natural agility and stealth. Thane Krios however had a different method of defeating his victims, female ones to be precise. He had noticed that whenever Yeoman Chambers looked into his eyes she fell into a trance of sorts. Thane had been studying the effects in hopes of finding out whether he could use this talent to his advantage. He did not count on falling in love with the Yeoman though.

"Siha," Thane murmured to Kelly, it was a pet name he had given her.

"Thane," She whispered back. The two leaned forward when the intercom interrupted them.

_Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately._

* * *

Garrus was fuming with anger. Last night while playing Galaxy of Fantasy the legendary Blades of Innek'tor had dropped and he won the roll for them only to have the dagger stolen from him by a player named "EggsBenedict". This fellow played a human, a recent addition added in the Fires of Gor'se expansion pack and Garrus couldn't understand why a game based on turian mythology would allow humans to be playable, which made him dislike EggsBenedict even more.

"I'll get that EggsBenedict back! I'll do to him what I did to Sidonas!" Whether the turian meant he was actually going to hunt down and kill the player or if he was just going to kill EggsBenedict in game was known not even to Garrus himself. Before he could decide on this the intercom made itself known.

_Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately._

* * *

"Miranda, this is completely stupid." Jacob Taylor complained while fiddling with the huge sunglasses he was wearing.

"Jacob, the Illusive Man said we need to get more recruits for the Ceberus cause. All the young people these days are into rap videos so it's the perfect advertisement strategy." The bio-engineered Ceberus representative replied. "Okay from the top!" She pulled out a small camera and began recording Jacob who sighed before breaking out into song.

Jacob: _**Yo, yo! My name's J-co and I'm here to tell my homies about Ceberus, yo! It's the most coolest mack daddy organization ever word on the roof! You all dig? YO!**_

"Cut! Cut! Cut! You didn't rap, you just said a bunch of slang stuff in a singsong tone." Miranda complained.

"Well I'm just reading the script you wrote." Jacob motioned to a heavily worn piece of paper laying on Miranda's desk.

"Fine! Just make it up as you go along if my script is so bad."

Jacob: _**Allllright, word! I am rapping about Ceberus yo!**_

_**Rap, rap, rap**_

_**Uh, guns and popping bottles in that guy's butt**_

'_**Cause I know uh, King Tut!**_

_**And all my homies in C-berus are like crazizzle yo!**_

_**I can't think of anything that rhymes with yo!**_

_**So I'm going to end all of my sentences with yo!**_

_**Dawg!**_

Before he could continue the horrific piece of music the intercom stated: _Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately._ Both Miranda and Jacob muttered "Thank goodness" as they headed towards the briefing room.

* * *

_Dear Diary, _Jack wrote before pausing to think of what to put next. She had not wanted to get a diary, but Commander Shepard said that it would distract her from making explosives and throwing them at people who got on her nerves, like Engineer Donnelly. _Shepard said I needed to "express myself through writing instead of through making bombs. I don't see why he didn't just take out all the bomb parts lying around here instead. He's been spending a lot of time with that quarian chick, more than usually anyway… I wonder…_ Before she could finish that train of thought, the intercom came on.

_Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately._

* * *

Jeff "Joker" Moreau sat in his chair watching the status of the Normandy. She was cruising through space with no destination in mind as Shepard hadn't checked the galaxy map in a while. Joker was keeping himself entertained by navigating the ship through the asteroid belt of the system they were currently in. Suddenly EDI, the ships AI, appeared next to him.

"Jeff, we need to talk." EDI stated in her synthesized voice.

"About what?" Joker paid little attention the AI as he was trying to do a loop-de-loop around an asteroid shaped kind of like Abraham Lincoln.

"About… _us_." Before she could continue the intercom called out.

_Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately._

* * *

Mordin had decided to stop working on the genophage cure for now and he had turned his attention to another pressing issue.

"Slight adjustment here." The salarian muttered to himself while modifying the contents of a Petri dish with his omni-tool. "Re-arrange genetic information there." Mordin paused for a moment to wipe the sweat from his brow. "Yes! Have discovered the cure for cancer!" Suddenly the intercom screeched out: _Attention everyone, report to the briefing room immediately. _Mordin jumped in surprise, accidentally knocking over the Petri dish and destroying the cure for cancer. "Oh well. Will clean up later." He shrugged and headed for the briefing room.

* * *

The briefing room was incredibly crowded now that nearly the entire crew of the Normandy had settled in. Chairs had been exhausted within minutes and most people sat on the floor. Commander Shepard and Tali stood at the front of the room, with everyone else staring at them with rapt attention. It wasn't everyday Shepard called everyone on board together for a meeting.

"Okay everyone," The commander began. "You're probably wondering why I've called you all here. Now it should be no surprise to anyone that Tali and I are romantically involved, mainly because of the vid that has been circulation around." The vid in question had been a recording taken from Shepard's quarters show an… encounter… between Tali and himself which had somehow been distributed to everyone aboard the ship. "And when I find out who was behind that, they _will_ pay." While no one noticed, Joker gulped nervously.

"Anyways, what I want to tell you now is that, thanks to a certain _someone_ exposing Tali to a DNA altering retrovirus…" Now it was Mordin's turn to gulp nervously. "What it means is... You see… Well…" Tali slipped her hand into the Commander's for moral support and after realizing that Shepard would likely keep stuttering for an hour or more, decided to finish his statement.

"What Shepard is trying to say is; I'm pregnant." Dead silence filled the room, which was shortly broken by the sound of Joker fainting and subsequently falling out of his chair.

"Are you insane!? This is against at least thirty-seven different protocols in the Ceberus hand book!" Miranda complained. The others were too shocked to say anything. Grunt decided that he would break the ice.

"So Garrus, can you teach me how to kill people on the extranet?"

* * *

In the next chapter there will be the aftermath of the big reveal and discussions on what to tell the Migrant Fleet.


	6. Postcards from the Fleet

Chapter six, pick-up sticks!

* * *

Chapter Six: Postcards from the Fleet

DISCLAIMER: The following chapter contains no postcards sent from the Migrant Fleet; the title is merely to spoof "Postcards from the Edge"

Within the med—bay of the Normandy, Joker lay unconscious on an examination table.

"Will he be okay?" Shepard asked Dr. Chakwas. She looked very sad as to be expected. Joker had broken nearly all the bones in his body falling out of the chair.

"He'll live. But there chance of him ever being able to walk or fly a ship is 33.33, that's repeating of course, percent." She turned away from Joker. "All we can do now is wait and see if he improves. I'll get the brandy!" Shepard rubbed his hands together, he was looking forward to getting Chakwas drunk and having her tell him all sorts of embarrassing medical secrets about the crew. Though he did hope that Zaeed's rash was okay, it sounded very serious.

* * *

Outside the med-bay Garrus and Grunt were sitting in front of Garrus' computer. The screen said "Galaxy of Fantasy" in letters designed to look like old parchment.

"Okay, now the first thing you need to do is make your character." The turian motioned to the computer screen which said 'Create Your Character". Grunt smiled and began pressing random buttons on the holographic interface.

"I want be a krogan berserker." Garrus sighed while he watched tank-born monstrosity scan the character selections screen for a krogan option.

"This game is based on turian mythology. There are no krogans in it." Grunt scowled and started pressing the hologram more frantically.

"I. WANT. TO. BE. A. KROGAN!" He roared at the machine. Then he inspected the character designs more closely. "Hey! If I can't be a krogan, how come I can be a human?"

"That's because GOF has millions of human players, while you're the only krogan who even knows what an MMORPG even is." Garrus explained, using acronyms that Grunt did not understand. Grunt stared at him for a long time.

"I want to play as a krogan." Garrus face-palmed and wished that Shepard hadn't saved him on Omega.

* * *

Shepard walked out of the elevator and into the engineering deck. Doctor Chakwas hadn't mentioned anything particularly incriminating or funny so he left her passed out next to Joker. Now that the crew knew about Tali's pregnancy the time had come to inform the Migrant Fleet, something they were both dreading. Despite Shepard's efforts to get her proven innocence Tali had been exiled. Mainly because his paragon level wasn't high enough for the rousing speech he had planned. The commander had thought this meant they wouldn't to deal with the fleet, but Tali had been adamant that the other quarians know.

"Exiled or not Shepard, it's my duty as a quarian to inform the flotilla of this. Our child could begin a new age of diplomacy with the citadel races, or an alliance between quarians and humanity. At the very least they'll certainly repeal my exile so they can see junior for themselves." Shepard mimicked the machinist's voice almost perfectly, changing his voice was one of the commander's less known talents. That and cup stacking, in fact had he not joined the alliance military Shepard would've went on to become the greatest cup stacker in the galaxy. While caught up in his thoughts on human/quarian diplomacy, cup stacking, what in the galaxy a paragon score was, and Zaeed's rash, when he reached Tali's post at the control panel.

"Glad you could make it, mustard." She waved the commander over and then returned to her work.

"Mustard?" Shepard asked.

"Isn't it a human term of endearment? I know it's some sort of human food…" Upon realizing what she meant the commander chuckled a little.

"No Tali, the term you're thinking of is honey." The quarian shrugged at his answer.

"Honey, mustard, either way I get hives and swell up to twice my normal size if I eat them." She began to wring her hands together.

"Tali, something tells me that what you want to talk about isn't romantic pet names." Tali nodded and motioned to the monitor she had been working at.

"I'm writing a response to the fleet and I wanted your opinion before I sent it." Shepard began to read over to document.

_Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay,_

_I am very glad you allowed me to keep this mail address after my exile. What I have to tell you will certainly make your decision worthwhile. You remember Commander Shepard, the acting captain of the Normandy. He is not only my ship's captain, he is also my lover. Don't faint yet, that's not what I am here to tell you. More importantly, I was accidentally exposed to a DNA altering retrovirus during our mission. I will not bore you with the specifics but it had a very important side effect. I am pregnant with Commander Shepard's child. I know how this could affect the future of our people, especially concerning diplomatic relations with the humans. I hope to be able to see you and the rest of the fleet soon,_

_Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya_

"What do you think?" She asked nervously, her finger hovering over the send button.

"It's perfect." Shepard put his hand over Tali's and together they sent the document.

"All that's left to do now is wait and see what they say." The quarian still seemed to be rather nervous. Shepard embraced her.

"Remember Tali. No matter what the fleet thinks, no matter what happens with the reapers, I love you." The commander then placed his hand over her stomach. "And junior too."

"I love you too- Wait. Oh this is so embarrassing." Tali stepped out of her lover's embrace. "We're going to have a child and I don't even know your first name!"

"That's intentional. I hate my first name, I'd much rather have you call me Shepard." He explained.

"Still, don't I deserve to know it." Tali pressed, she was intrigued now. What kind of name could Shepard possibly have to make him this embarrassed about it.

"Yeah, you're right. My name is… is…" Shepard stopped to shoo Ken and Gabby away. "Benedict. Benedict Shepard." Tali put her hand over her voice output module and giggled.

"What's wrong with that, _Benedict_? I like it."

"You're the only one on the ship who knows. Please don't tell anyone." Shepard pleaded, half serious half joking.

"Of course I won't, _Benedict_. I think this is going to be my new 'romantic pet name', as you called it, for you." Tali sauntered away, but she didn't get far as Shepard grabbed her from behind and spun the quarian around. Tali laughed and pressed her mask against his face, their version of kissing when it was impractical or impossible to remove her mask. That changed with his an audible hiss.

"Oh my gosh!" Ken whispered, he and Gabby and been watching the entire exchange from behind a pipe. "Gabby, I think they're gonna-"

"Time to go Ken." She sternly demanded, not wanting to find out the repercussions of spying on Shepard.

"But things are startin' to get heated." The engineer's eyes widened. "So tha's what they look like with their buckets off." Before he could see more Gabby forcefully dragged him out of the room.

* * *

It's a weird tradition of mine that in all of BioWare's rps that I've played, my character's name is Benedict. No idea why, I just like that name I guess.

Here's some food for thought, who else in this story is named Benedict? Might there be a connection between those two? Find out next time with chapter seven: In Which Grunt Thinks he is Dead


	7. In Which Grunt thinks he is Dead

Fight for the misplaced!

* * *

Chapter Seven: In Which Grunt Thinks he is Dead

After much arguing, Grunt had finally decided to make his character a bestial Gorran. This odd race was a figure of turian mythology similar to ogres and Grunt thought it was a fitting krogan substitute. Grunt was enamored with the virtual world before him and was busily pressing every button and killing everything he could find. "Who's that?" He asked to Garrus while motioning to a human character on the screen.

"That's another player." The turian answered before looking closer at the avatar. His mandibles twitched and he let out a low growl. "EggsBenedict…" Suddenly Grunt fell from the chair and lay completely still. "Grunt?"

"He killed me, I'm dead." The krogan answered before once again going limp.

"Two things Grunt. One, killing someone in Galaxy of Fantasy doesn't kill them in real-life. And two, how could you be talking to me if you're dead?" Grunt paused for a long time.

"I can't answer that because I'm dead."

* * *

Commander Shepard walked into the infirmary to check in on Joker. He had spent the last hour with Tali thinking of names for the baby with no success. Tali was dead set against John or Jane and Shepard just couldn't see himself with a child named "Chikkitkha". He was much happier to Joker conscious.

"Hey Commander." Joker attempted to wave but still had not regained use of right arm, resulting in nothing more than his right side wiggling slightly.

"Glad to see you're feeling better Joker." Shepard smiled at his friend/pilot.

"By the way, who's been flying the ship while I've been here." EDI appeared on a terminal next to Joker's bed.

"I have assumed full control of the Normandy's piloting functions until you either recover or die. Whichever comes first."

"Well that was encouraging."

* * *

Sorry it's so horrendously short but I've had writer's block for this story and only through sheer will to get it updated managed to get this done. I have a lot of ideas for it, I'm just having trouble moving the story to that point. I'll try and get things longer in Chapter Eight: Gravid with Envy!


	8. Gravid with Envy!

Good news everyone, the slime is flowing again!

* * *

Chapter Eight: Gravid with Envy!

Things were quite on the Normandy lately, with the collector base in Cerberus' hands and the reapers traveling through deep space at a snail's pace all the crew really did was go around trying to convince the various factions of the galaxy to work together to stop them. That left plenty of time for them to focus on more mundane things, like preparing for the Normandy's newest crew member. Mordin Solus was doing exactly that as he walked up to Commander Shepard as said commander was checking the messages at his private terminal in the Combat Information Center.

"Shepard, need to talk with you. About Tali'Zorah." The salarian began. Shepard looked up from the terminal and turned to face Mordin.

"Is she okay?"

"Yes. Fine. But need to remind you that 'jealously' stage of pregnancy should begin soon." Shepard nodded in understanding.

"Don't worry Mordin. Tali told me all about it, so she gets a little jealous if I talk to other people. It'll be fine."

"No. Won't be fine. During this phase she will see any individual you socialize with as a potential threat. Could kill someone if angry enough." The commander only smirked at this.

"Mordin I think you're overreacting a little. If quarians really would get jealous enough to kill people how would they survive?"

"Herbal solution which curbs jealous emotions in the individual. Found only on Migrant Fleet. However current relationship with quarians means chances of obtaining sample are nonexistent."

"You really know a lot about quarian pregnancies Mordin. I didn't think any non-quarians knew about their physiology." Shepard casually attempted to change the subject instead of arguing about Mordin's obviously overreaction.

"I certainly should. Will be your midwife after all." With that bombshell dropped the commander nearly fainted for the second time in his life.

"WHAT?!"

"Human practice. Thought it would be appropriate as child will be half-human. I was most qualified." Mordin's attempt at an explanation did little to comfort Shepard.

"Have you even delivered a child before?"

"Of course!" The salarian seemed almost insulted by the question. "Have delivered many in my time as doctor. Turian, asari, krogan. Even a hanar once. Life changing experience."

"What about a human or quarian child?" Mordin's gaze turned downwards.

"No."

"Well that's comforting." Shepard said, mirroring Joker's comment from the last chapter. "Well I've got to go see if Jacob finished repairing the rifles."

"Remember jealousy stage! Crew's life could depend on it!" But the commander was already gone.

* * *

"Commander." Jacob saluted despite the fact that with what they had been through, he and Shepard were beyond formalities.

"Jacob, how are those rifles coming along-" Suddenly a hissing sound, almost like a cat, began to resonate from behind the weapon locker. "Do you here that?" With those words Tali leapt from her hiding spot, knife in hand, and pinned the startled Jacob Taylor to the wall.

"He's mine! Get away from him bosh'tet!" Tali pressed the knife to Jacob's neck, drawing a small amount of blood.

"Tali what the heck are doing!?" Both Shepard and Jacob yelled at the same time, well Jacob would've yelled if he didn't think the movement might accidentally slit his throat. Tali let out a inhumane screech in response and to Jacob's horror a long pink object smacked against the inside of the quarian's helmet.

"What is that thing?" He asked while suddenly thinking of an incredibly old movie about aliens who laid eggs in people's chests he'd seen years ago.

"It's her tongue. Quarians have seven inch long prehensile ones. Tali can do _amazing_ things with it." Before Shepard could elaborate and mentally scar Jacob even further Mordin and several nameless background crew members burst in.

"HOLD. THE. LINE!" Mordin commanded as he pulled out a tranquilizer gun. Mercilessly, he fired dart after dart into the quarian's back until she finally collapsed. He then holstered the gun and glared at Shepard disapprovingly. "Told you."

* * *

Meanwhile at the computer terminal Garrus had finally convinced Grunt that he wasn't dead. "So let me get this straight," the krogan gathered all his knowledge of the world together in order to make a rational conclusion based on the information given to him. "If I die in the game, I come back to life… THAT MEANS I'M INVINCIBLE! I'm going to walk in space!" He shoved Garrus aside and charged towards the airlock.

"Wait, Grunt! No!"

* * *

Tali was being kept under heavy sedation until Mordin could synthesize his own version of the quarian's herbal remedy. In the meantime Commander Shepard was doing something he didn't expect to ever do again. He was about to have a chat with The Illusive Man.

"What do you want? I gave you the collector base." Shepard and Cerberus' mysterious leader weren't exactly on the best of terms.

"I'm not here to talk about the collector's Shepard," The Illusive Man paused to light a cigarette. "According to Ms. Lawson's latest report I believe some congratulations are in order." While the quality of the hologram was too poor to be certain, he was sure Shepard was blushing.

"So, you've heard about Tali." Shepard said while scratching the back of his head.

"Yes, and while I don't exactly agree with having a child during this troubled time I'm sure you of all people can handle it. And I can see why you couldn't resist." The Illusive Man inhaled the toxic fumes of his cigarette deeply. "What is it about quarians that people find so attractive? It's the hips isn't it? And the intrigue of not knowing what they look like under the mask… or those accents…"

"Did you want to speak with me, or did you want to tell me about your quarian fetish?"

"No. I actually wanted to talk to you about the Reapers-" Commander Shepard's hologram vanished, presumably due to a power failure. The Illusive Man didn't mind, however, instead he reached under the seat of his chair and pulled out the latest issue _Fornax_. It was subtitled "Quarians Gone Wild: Barely Suited".

* * *

For only a split second, all power on the Normandy had shut down. The only real side effect was that it disconnected Shepard from his chat with The Illusive Man, though he would now forever know him as "The Likes-Quarians-Way-Too-Much Man".

"Sorry about that Shepard." EDI announced from her terminal. "I was getting some new software online which accidentally caused a power surge.

"What kind of new software?" Then Commander Shepard heard a voice he thought he would never hear again.

"Shepard Commander?"

* * *

Oooh, plot twist! Stay tuned for the updates on this shocking development in chapter nine: The Big Question.

P.S. What do you think said chapter is about based off of the title? The winner gets a cameo in the story!

P.P.S Don't worry, Grunt is fine.


	9. The Big Question

I have changed my mind! Everyone who guessed gets a cameo! I will announce the winners at the bottom of the chapter.

Also, this one is a bit more serious than the other chapters (and by serious I mean not as many jokes)

* * *

Chapter Nine: The Big Question

"Legion!? Is that you?" Shepard gasped.

"Affirmative Shepard Commander." The all-too familiar voice of the geth platform known as reason answered.

"But… but how? You died, I saw your platform get destroyed at the collector base."

"We reached consensus that chances of Legion Platform remaining operational after mission were at .000000000001%. We created a backup of all necessary programs to be activated in case of Legion Platform's destruction. " EDI then picked up the conversation.

"Legion informed me of their plan and once we left the Omega-4 Relay I began to process of bringing his programs back online. All 1,183 of them." The AI sounded as annoyed as an artificial intelligence could possibly be. "Once they were all online I needed to perform a system reboot which is what disconnected you from The Illusive Man."

"So, Legion is part of the ship now?" Shepard was beginning to feel nervous. He trusted Legion, but Legion was a conduit to all geth and that could be trouble.

"Affirmative. EDI has repurposed us to perform mundane tasks with each program given its own duty. For example, all blenders present on Normandy ship are controlled by us." To emphasize their point, every blender on the Normandy began to turn on which scared Mess Sergeant Gardener so bad he fell over and knocked that day's lunch onto the floor.

"Query. We would appreciate if Shepard Commander did not reveal our continued existence to other members of Normandy crew." The commander found this request kind of strange and wondered if trusting Legion had been the best idea.

"Why?" He asked but it seemed the gestalt geth had anticipated this question and their reply was nearly instant.

"Our runtimes have concluded that most possible scenarios in which the crew knows we control a portion of Normandy ship result in mutiny. Organics do not trust geth."

"Okay then Legion. Your secret's safe with me."

"We appreciate your compliance with our request, Shepard Commander." Satisfied, Commander Shepard left the briefing room to check on some other things.

"Oh, and EDI set a course for the Citadel."

"Will do Shepard. Logging you out."

* * *

Several hours later as the Normandy prepared to dock on the Citadel, Shepard went down to his cabin to check on Tali. Fortunately Mordin had created a treatment for her jealousy which meant she wouldn't be attacking anyone anymore. At least in theory…

"Hey Shepard." Tali waved and fought back the urge to make sure there was no one within a fifty foot range of the commander. "I'm feeling much better. No homicidal desires at all. Nope. By the way, how's Jacob?"

"He's doing fine. I think he understands… maybe." There was a long pause. "So, I was wondering if you'd like to maybe get something to eat on the Citadel and see a vid? I hear "Blasto the Jellyfish 2: Fight for the Misplaced" is pretty good."

"Commander Shepard, are you asking me on a date?" Tali asked slyly. The she much more nervously added "I've never been on a date before. Unless you count the night before the Omega-4 Relay… and I'm rambling on like an idiot… I mean yes, I'd like that Shepard."

"Great, I've just got to go purchase some things on in the markets and then I'll be back." He planted a kiss on Tali's visor and left the room.

* * *

Shepard had initially planned to come to the Citadel to have another meeting with the council about the reapers but they wouldn't return his calls so he instead decided to give the crew a day of shore leave. Thane had taken this opportunity to track down Kolyat and introduce him to Kelly. Currently the group was sitting a bench on the presidium catching up on old times. By 'catching up on old times' I mean they were trapped in an incredibly awkward silence. Thane exhaled loudly, which broke the stupor they were in.

"YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!" Kolyat bolted from the table and ran off to an unknown destination.

"That did not go as I had planned." Thane hung his head dejectedly.

* * *

_I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel_, said commander chuckled to himself at the store's slogan. He had just finished purchasing the one of the most important things he would ever own which now sat within a container in his N7 armor in a decorative box. Shepard walked out of the store and headed back to the Normandy to find Tali. Much to his surprise, the quarian in question was several feet away asking random people if they'd seen Commander Shepard.

"Tali! Tali!" He waved the nervous quarian over.

"Shepard. I just got nervous I mean with you being around so many other people… so many other eligible suitors… so many… I'm okay!" She paused to take two deep breaths. "Soooooo, where did you have in mind for dinner?" Shepard held his arm out for her.

"Follow me." The commander commanded.

* * *

After watching the pure awesomeness that was Blasto the Jellyfish 2: Fight for the Misplaced, Shepard and Tali headed to small eatery on Zakera Ward called "Feurgson's".

"Table for two." Shepard told the Elcor waiter outside the restaurant.

"Helpful warning. There is a pickpocket behind you, sir."

"Excuse me?!" Tali growled and prepared to draw her knife. Shepard stopped her and glared at the Elcor.

"That's not a pickpocket, that's my _date_."

"Insincere apology. I am sorry for the misunderstanding ma'am." He then lumbered towards a small table which the two sat down at. After several minutes of browsing through the menu the elcor waiter returned.

"Business-like inquiry. May I take your orders?"

"I'll have the varren stake." Shepard ordered while putting down his menu.

"And I'll have the dextro-nutrient-protein-solution. Stirred, not shaken." Tali added.

From across the room, a young woman spotted the pair. "Oh… my… gosh… It's Commander Shepard!" She screamed and hurtled towards him. "Commander Shepard! I'm like your biggest fan!" She embraced the startled Shepard, knocking him out of his chair. "This is incredible, this is a dream come true-" Her babbling was replaced by gagging as Tali's hand clamped around her throat. It seems her act of fanatic fandom had overridden Tali's anti-jealousy medicine.

"Bosh'tet! You are going to die!" Shepard moved out from under the chocking fan and attempted to restrain Tali. Now free of the quarian's grasp the woman began to crawl away. She reached forward and grabbed a cart carrying a dish that for some reason was on fire (apparently it was a krogan delicacy) which toppled over. Within a matter of minutes Fuergson's had gone up in a blaze, which fortunately allowed Shepard and Tali to flee before C-Sec authorities could apprehend them.

"Well, that was an interesting experience." Shepard commented, attempting to make the situation sound a positive as possible.

"It wasn't 'interesting', I destroyed the whole restaurant!" Tali slumped the floor and rested her helmeted hand in her hands. "I ruined everything. Why would you want someone like me, Shepard? Why would you want to be with someone who you can't even see their face without installing a decontamination unit in your quarters?" She was nearly ready to start sobbing. Shepard sat down next to her.

"Tali, don't ever think that. So what if you destroyed Fuergson's? It was an accident, and holding you responsible would be like blaming a pregnant human for having weird cravings." The metaphor was lost on Tali, but she understood that Shepard was trying to comfort her. "I love you just the way you are, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy." The commander then embraced the quarian.

"Thanks. That means a lot Shepard." She glanced around and Tali suddenly realized where they were. "Hey, this is the alley where I met you. Where we fought off those mercs together with Wrex and Ashely."

"I know." He stared knowingly are her.

"You planned this. Didn't you?"

"Well not the setting Fuergson's on fire, but coming here yes." Shepard smiled and flashed back to their first meeting.

"So why are we here?"

"Because I thought it would be the perfect place to ask you this." Commander Shepard stood up and offered his hand for Tali to grab onto. Once they were both standing Shepard got down on one knee and pulled a small box from one of the containers on his suit. He opened up the box revealing a small ring with a piece of element zero on it (they had become the new diamonds, mainly because it granted the user a small amount of biotic powers). "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya, will you marry me?"

* * *

Gasp! What will Tali's answer be? Find out in chapter ten: The Even Bigger Answer

Now to announce the winners of the contest: darksammy5, Lord Andreas, KoKoTheBunga and Ferrus. PM me with details about your cameo (i.e. species, name, appearance, anything in particular that you want to do in the story) and you'll appear in a future chapter (probably chapter 10 or 11).


	10. The Bigger Answer

Sorry for the long break, but AnimusFerrus and I have been working together on a SUPER SECRET COLLAB STORY!!! It's going to be awesome and serve as a prequel to An Unfortunate Mix Up and Mass Effect itself, sort of.

Here are the cameos appearing in this chapter:

KroganSl4y3r85: KokoTheBunga

Andreas: Lord Andreas

Fil Der and Barst: AnimusFerrus

darksammy5, sorry but yours is coming in chapter eleven.

* * *

An Unfortunate Mix Up Chapter 10: The Bigger Answer

Previously on _Lost_-err I mean, _Desperate Housewives_-, wait no, _An Unfortunate Mix Up_: Commander Shepard stood up and offered his hand for Tali to grab onto. Once they were both standing Shepard got down on one knee and pulled a small box from one of the containers on his suit. He opened up the box revealing a small ring with a piece of element zero on it (they had become the new diamonds, mainly because it granted the user a small amount of biotic powers). "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya, will you marry me?"

"Shepard… I… I…" Tali paused to gulp, "I don't know what to do." Shepard looked at her quizzically.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure how to answer your proposal. When a quarian proposes marriage he inserts his tongue into the female's mouth and attempts to tie their tongues into a knot. If she lets him, that means she wants to marry him, "tying the knot" you might say. But your tongue isn't seven inches long and prehensile so I doubt you could do that and I'm not familiar with the human practice." While she was petrified by the situation, feeling that the culture shock had ruined everything, Shepard thought it was kind of funny and smiled.

"You say yes if you want to marry me, and no if you don't." The commander gave Tali and encouraging smile.

"Okay, that's much simpler… and more sanitary. Just give me a few moments to think it over."

"You need to think about it? Am I taking this too fast?" Now Shepard was the nervous one.

"No, no don't be silly Shepard. Of course I want to marry you, but I need to think about how this will affect the others. Would our union be good for the crew? What if there were people who would feel threatened by it? Or if the others did not approve-"Before Tali could continue Shepard grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Tali, please just this once, don't worry about anyone else, just think about what you want. For me?" The commander put on his best pleading face.

"Y-you're right Shepard. I need to think for myself, forget what anyone else says!" Tali felt invigorated, never before had she made a decision that only benefited herself. The sensation was almost intoxicating.

"So… I'm not trying to rush you but… what's your answer?" Tali opened her mouth to speak, but quickly found herself unable to due to tears of joy.

"Yes… of course Shepard… Yes!" The quarian and the specter embraced. "But how will we actually get married?" Tali asked into Shepard's shoulder.

"What do you mean?"

"It would be physically impossible for a human to undergo a quarian bonding ceremony and something tells me we would be hard pressed to find a human willing to marry us." As much as he hated to admit it, Tali was right about that.

"Don't worry Tali. You found a way for us to be together and I'll find a way for us to stay together." He smiled reassuringly at her while inside Shepard hadn't the faintest idea on how they could get married. "Now come on, the night's still young." The newly engaged couple walked away from the alley to find something else to do.

* * *

"I have no idea what you're talking about." A tall, brown haired human male complained while glaring at the volus in front of him.

"Listen *breath*, we both know you were at Fuergson's went it caught fire. *Breath* and we both know you're a powerful biotic like my cousin *breath* Niftu. So admit it already, Earth-clan!" Officer Fil Der was the strangest member of C-Sec by far. He had a small badge sewn on to his exosuit, a belt holding an M-6 Carnifex hand pistol and small police hat on his head.

"Why do you think I burned down Feurgson's?" The man, named Andreas, was getting angry and people didn't like him when he was angry. "Do I look like the kind of guy who randomly goes around setting restaurants on fire?"

"A likely *breath* excuse. But I've got my eye on you Earth-clan." Fil walked away from the fuming Andreas and headed towards and Elcor with a cigarette hanging from its facial-thing. The volus jumped up several times before finally gaining purchase and climbing atop the Elcor.

"Query: why is it that you are allowed to use me as a form of transportation?" The Elcor asked the Fil in a voice which seemed monotone even for his kind.

"Because Barst, I'm the officer *breath* and you're the rookie." Fil paused to adjust himself on Barst's back. "We're like the main characters in *breath* one those buddy cop vids."

"Informative: Perhaps we should look into those reports of a human and quarian who fled the scene." Barst suggested, not really caring whether or not the mad volus riding him heard.

"Rookie *breath*, I know you've still got wide eyes and a hunger for adventure *breathe*, but I'm the senior officer and I'll be *breath* making the decisions. I say we follow a lead on a human and a quarian spotted leaving the scene." Barst sighed.

"Annoyed: Did you even listen to what I said?" Fil merely pointed in the direction of the Presidium.

"Onward!" Knowing that there was no use arguing, Barst began to trundle forward.

* * *

Thane and Kelly returned to the Normandy in a bad mood. Things had gone nothing short of horrible with Kolyat and now they merely wanted some peace and quiet. However upon returning the crew deck they found what appeared to be a warzone. Tables were shattered, chairs overturned, Gardener's food was strewn across the floors and walls. In the center of the dining area a large effigy of a human/pig hybrid was burning with a battered and bruised Garrus standing beside it.

"What in the gods name went on here?" Thane gasped. He then noticed Grunt sitting at a computer terminal, the sole unharmed section of the crew deck, playing Galaxy of Fantasy.

"Grunt tried to walk in space," Garrus explained while shrugging nonchalantly. "But I set things straight."

* * *

Within the Galaxy of Fantasy, Grunt's character was in heated duel with another player. This was a female turian warrior named KroganSl4y3r85. Despite Grunt's considerable skills she was obviously the veteran player and the two appeared to be evenly matched. With a power rend attack Grunt seemingly gained the upper hand.

1 General Chat: (Grrrunt) says: Now u die!!111111111111

1 General Chat: (KroganSl4y3r85): I don't think so. =P

And with that she executed Grunt's character on the spot. Not since EggsBenedict had he been defeated by another player. It left him in a state of shock both in game and in real life.

* * *

Shepard and Tali had arrived at the Presidium and were now sitting under one of its many trees. Tali had summoned her combat drone and was playing fetch with it. The purple orb darted across a stretch of grass before returning with a holographic rod attached to it, which was then deposited into the quarian's hands.

"That's a good Chiktikka vas Paus! Yes you are, yes you are." Tali cooed while hugging the drone.

"I never thought you could you a combat drone as pet." Shepard commented on the display while resting against the tree trunk.

"Please, Shepard. On the Migrant Fleet combat drones _are_ our pets." She paused for a second to think. One of the things she loved about the commander was that he too was an engineer. Not in the technical sense like she was, but in the 'uses robots and modified ammo to kill stuff' sense, but it still meant he understood more of what she was talking about than most of the crew. Then she had an idea. "Why don't you name your combat drone?" Shepard contemplated the idea then summoned his drone.

"I think I will. Now let's see…" He started intently at the combat drone, trying to think of the perfect name for it. "I'll name you…" then in a great flash inspiration struck him, "Captain Tinker-Tonk!"

"Captian… Tinker-Tonk?" Tali asked in disbelief.

"What? It's a good name." Before they could discuss Tinker-Tonk's name further Shepard spotted something he never would've expected. "Is that a volus riding on an elcor?"

Barst came to a halt at Shepard and Tali's location. "Earth-clan. Clan-less… clan." Fil Der addressed him from atop the elcor.

"Friendly: We would like to ask you some questions about the destruction of a restaurant known as Feurgson's." The pair instantly became nervous; however their reactions were very different.

"I didn't know that they had volus C-Sec officers." Shepard commented in an attempt to change the subject. Before he could go on Tali gave her own answer to Barst.

"WE KNOW NOTHING!" She grabbed Shepard and ran off.

"Worried: This implies heavy guilt, we must persue them."

"Don't be ridiculous *breath* Barst. The clan-less said they knew nothing." Fil kicked into his elcor partner/mount's sides spurring him to start walking. "Come on we, and by we *breath* I mean you, have a report to fill out."

* * *

Having escaped Fil Der and Barst, the engaged were now on their way back to the Normandy and not a moment too soon. Tali didn't want to admit it, but her meds were beginning to wear off and she had resumed 'defending' him from anything with a pulse (and some without, if you ask that poor plant that was 'looking at him funny' that they ran into on the way to the restaurant). As they approached the nearest Citadel Rapid Transit terminal, a hooded figure dropped down from the rafters and gracefully landed before them.

"Kasumi, my loyal squad member who's been here the whole time." Shepard waved at the master thief.

"Hi Shepard. Is Tali okay?" She motioned to the quarian in question, who was now breathing very heavily and straining to not reach for her knife.

"Her meds are wearing off. I've got to get back on board quick." The commander held his arm out as a makeshift barrier between Tali and Kasumi.

"It's a good thing you have to. Yeoman Chambers sent me to tell you that the Migrant Fleet have sent a message for you." Shepard and Tali gasped. "Now if you excuse me, I'm off to join my fellow thieves in our annual Citadel Hide-n'-Seek competition. I've been champion for five years straight and I intend on making it six." With that Kasumi vanished, leaving our heroes to take in the news they had received. The Migrant Fleet had responded.

* * *

I would like to thank slicerness for letting me use his line about the plant, and I would also like to thank everyone who has reviewed so far. 92 reviews is far more than I've ever gotten. And also, this story is:

On the favorite's list of 59 members

On the alerts list of 67 members

In 3 C2s

And as of this writing has a staggering 21,177 hits!

You guys are the best! And I hope you'll like AnimusFerrus and myself's new SUPER SECRET COLLABORATION STORY coming soon!


	11. The One Where Tali Gets Naked

And so we have reached an incredible milestone… 103 reviews. So now I give you CHAPTER ELEVEN!!!!!

darksammy5's cameo is Xen Ze'fran vas Defrains

* * *

An Unfortunate Mix Up Chapter 11: The One Where Tali Gets Naked

Shepard and Tali ran on sprinted towards the Normandy, hardly able to wait through the loading screen-I mean decontamination chamber, before reaching the Commander's private terminal.

"Quick, open it! The suspense is killing me Shepard." Tali pleaded as Shepard accessed his private messages. The quarian chewed her lip in anxiety as Shepard sorted through a menagerie of chain letters and spam before coming across a document from Admiral Shala'Raan. "There it is!" Unable to wait for the Commander Tali clicked the open button herself and a short message popped up.

_Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya_

_WHAT. THE. BOSH'TET!?!?!! _

_Pardon my language Tali but this is insane. You say you're pregnant with a human/quarian hybrid child? The other admirals are in a state of shock, poor Gerrel fainted. Your and Shepard's presence is requested on the Migrant Fleet as soon as possible. A meeting must be made to decide on what to do about this… child and the state of your exile. _

_Welcome home,_

_Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay_

Once Shepard had finished reading the article he got up and looked towards the still empty pilot's seat.

"EDI set a course for the Migrant Fleet."

"Affirmative Commander." The AI replied. Shepard re-read the message while Tali went to go get another dose of her meds.

* * *

Grunt was pacing back and forth by his tank in deep thought. _I can't believe it. Someone killed me! ME! And it wasn't the mighty EggsBenedict. I must hunt down this "KroganSl4y3r85" and destroy her! No one kills Urdnot Grunt and gets away with it! RAUGUGHGUGUGUGUGUGUGH!_ Yes Grunt did indeed roar inside his mind. In his bloodlust however, the krogan found himself with the need to fight something and thus began to destroy everything in the cargo room.

Directly below him, Jack sat in her hidey-hole once again writing in her new diary.

_Dear Diary,_

_So that quarian chick is preggo with Shepard's kid. This is not gonna end well. I can see it now "Jack put a shirt on! Those tattoos are scaring the baby!" or "Jack! Stop cursing, there's a child present!" _The sound of Grunt destroying stuff interrupted the biotic's writing.

"What the f-"Before she could finish Grunt's tank crashed through the floor nearly crushing Jack.

* * *

Shepard, Tali, and the rest of the squad stepped aboard the Rayya and glanced around in search of Shala or any of the other admirals. Tali walked forward, amazed that she was back on board the flotilla, something she thought would never happen again.

"Commander Shepard! Tali!" A young quarian ran up to the two.

"Veetor!" Tali exclaimed. "How are you doing?"

"Much better," Veetor'Nara answered. "I can't believe your really back. There were rumors but I didn't think they were true. What did you do to come back?"

"Um, well. You see Shepard and I eh…" She looked to Shepard for assistance and he shrugged, not having anything to contribute. "I'm pregnant with his mutant half quarian half human child."

"W-what?" Veetor twitched slightly as he processed what he had been told.

"I know it's weird and a-"

"What?"

"Veetor?"

"What?"

"Uh oh." Tali sighed. "We broke Veetor." The unstable quarian hobbled off repeating his question of "What?" and disappeared deeper into the Rayya.

"Come on, let's find the admirals." Commander Shepard commanded. The team set off in the direction of Veetor and entered the main plaza. Unlike the first time they visited the plaza was empty except for Shala'Raan.

"Tali'Zorah! I thought I'd never see you again!" Shala ran towards her unrelated niece.

"Auntie Raan!" The two embraced. "I missed you all so much." Shepard walked up towards the two and they separated.

"And as for you." Raan proceeded to slap the commander so hard he fell down, which is no easy feat considering this was Shepard we're talking about. "BOSH'TET! How dare you take advantage of my Tali like this!"

"Shepard did not 'take advantage' of me. I love him and he loves me." Tali furiously replied. "In fact…" She held up her hand, which had the engagement ring adorned on her index finger.

"What is that?" Shala asked.

"It's a ring to symbolize that we're engaged." Shepard explained while slowly getting up. Shala kicked him back down.

"Speak when you're spoken to!" She then turned to Tali. "Marriage? Really Tali. Never mind, we can talk more about this later. We can't keep the other admirals waiting.

Shala walked towards the admiral's seat in the center of the room and was soon joined by Han'Gerrel, Daro'Xen and Zaal'Koris.

"This meeting of the Admiralty Board has been called to discuss the recent exile of Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya and her subsequent, are you sure this is right?" Han'Gerrel began.

"Tali is pregnant. Displayed every symptom which should be expected. Have synthesized substitute for quarian anti-jealousy remedy but not as effective. Was hoping you could supply some, fearing for my life." Mordin explained.

"Who the heck are you? You're not Shepard or Tali! Why are you here?" Zaal demanded.

"Doctor Mordin Solus: scientist salarian." He announced proudly. "Created the DNA-altering retrovirus which allowed Tali'Zorah to be successfully impregnated by Commander Shepard. Have been studying effects in detail, hoping to get CDA approval by next quarter."

"Ignoring the fact that the science of this retrovirus completely fails this essentially your fault?" Xen asked.

"Well, put that way yes. But-"  
"We've heard enough from you Mr. Solus. Tali, could you please explain what has happened?" Shala waved Mordin way and Tali stepped forward.

"Two years ago, when I was my pilgrimage I met Commander Shepard. I mean, a young woman gets rescued by a dashing commander who lets her join his crew and then goes off to save the galaxy? How could she possibly develop any kind of interest in him? That's exactly what happened. I never thought Shepard would return my feelings-"

"But I did." Shepard interrupted while grabbing hold of Tali's hand. "I might not have entirely been aware of them. But there was always a little bit of chemistry between us. And as time went on we grew closer together, more trusting of one another. Still the mission came first and I wasn't sure if Tali wanted a relationship. So I kept quiet-"

"Until I dropped some rather unintentional hints of my feelings and all those bottled up emotions came out. I had been taking several antibiotics one of turned out to be the retrovirus, which was quite _an unfortunate mix up_. Of course Shepard and I didn't know this and seeing as how there has never been a case of cross species pregnancy outside of asari we didn't bother with… you know… and now I'm entering my third week of pregnancy. It was totally worth it." Tali finished while placing her hand over her stomach for emphasis.

"Thank you for that Tali, Shepard. Now if you will excuse us." Han lead the admirals behind the podium where they privately discussed what to do.

"What do you think they'll say?" Shepard asked.

"I don't know. I can't believe how Shala reacted though. I'm starting to think maybe this wasn't the best idea Shepard." Tali hung her head.

"No matter what they say, remember that I love you." Shepard squeezed her hand. The admirals reemerged and resumed their positions.

"We have made our decision." Shala announced. "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya, for the purpose of diplomacy and scientific research we hereby revoke your exile. Welcome back." The crew members cheered and Tali and Shepard wrapped their arms around each other and pressed their lips to the opposite sides of her visor in the imitation of a kiss.

"You know," Han'Gerrel began. "They do seem to care about each other."

"I'm still not sure about this." Shala commented.

* * *

The admirals had left the plaza. Most of the squad had returned the Normandy having gotten tired of being greeted as such-and-such vas Normandy. A male quarian with a red and black suit entered from one of the left hallways and upon spotting Tali walked towards her.

"Tali? Tali'Zorah? Is that really you?" The quarian asked.

"Xen?" Tali turned to the commander. "Shepard, this is Xen Ze'frans vas Defrains, we grew up together on the Rayya." She turned back to Xen. "And Xen, this is Commander Shepard, captian of the Normandy and partner."

"Pleased to meet you, Commander." Xen shook Shepard's hand. "So I hear you and Tali are going to have mutant babies! I can't wait to see him or her."

"It's good to see you again Xen. I see your part of the Defrains now."

"Indeed. She doesn't hold a candle to Rayya though. Hey, remember that time when we got out of our bubbles and ran across the bridge? Now _that_ was fun."

"You're the only one who enjoyed that. And I don't think you did once we were hospitalized for the life-threatening infection that set it."

"Still the same spoil-sport as always I see." Xen waved goodbye and turned to leave when he spotted Grunt. "Grunt! I didn't expect to see you here."

"You guys know each other?" Shepard asked in shock.

"Yeah, while you were doing all that boring trial stuff me and Xen had a debate on who would win in a fight between you and Blasto the Jellyfish." Grunt explained.

"Eventually we decided that it would be a tie as such pure awesome could not coexist in the same room." Xen added.

"So how's your daughter?"

"Dead from drinking contaminated water." Xen hissed.

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Grunt roared back and stormed off.

* * *

Within the Combat Information Center, Kelly Chambers had gathered most of the crew together for a secret meeting.

"Okay everyone. Remember that the commander and Tali cannot know about this, ever."

"I'll slit anyone who talks throat before they can get a word out." Kasumi pledged.

"That's great… team spirit… Kasumi but I don't think we'll need to resort to throat-slitting." The yeoman cleared her voice. "I've gathered you all here today to make an announcement. We need to have some kind of celebration for the Normandy's newest arrival. Does anyone know what quarians do to celebrate an upcoming birth?" Everyone was silent. "Okay, then we'll have to celebrate the human way."

"Miranda, you're a human. What do you humans do to celebrate?" Jacob asked.

"You're a human too Jacob." The ceberus loyalist scowled.

"Yeah but I'm a guy." Miranda face-palmed.

"Humans have a party called a baby shower." She explained.

"Baby... shower?" Grunt murmered while imagining little humans and quarians raining from the sky and landing with an audible SPLAT on the ground. "Beautiful… just beautiful." The krogan whispered with tears in his eyes.  
"It's a surprise party where we give gifts like diapers and baby toys." Miranda elaborated, but it seemed that most of the crew were too busy imagining the raining infants.

"That sounds like a great idea!" Kelly cheered. "Okay, all in favor of the baby shower say 'I'!" To her delight everyone did, mainly so that they could leave. "This will be great. And to make things even better I'll invite all of Shepard's old team mates!"

* * *

Shepard walked towards the starboard cargo section of the engineering deck. He entered the room to find Zaeed leaning against the wall in his usual spot.

'Zaeed, have you seen Tali anywhere?"

"Who?" The mercenary asked.

"Tali, the quarian in our squad. My fiancé, the engineers, works right down the hall." Shepard's attempts at elaboration seemed to have no effect.

"There are other people on this deck besides me?" Zaeed gasped.

"Obviously you don't know where Tali is."

"Who?"

* * *

Meanwhile Tali had fled to her and Shepard's quarters. Well it technically was still Shepard's quarters, though she hadn't slept in her sleeping pod on the crew deck in almost a month so it was essentially their room now. She had come here to hide. It had been nearly three weeks since junior's conception and now she was begging to feel the need to remove her suit. Tali had heard plenty of horror stories about expectant mothers who took their suits off too soon and became terminally ill. She was determined not become one of them.

"You can do this Tali. Don't give in." She rocked back and forth on the bed, desperately fighting her biological urge to remove any clothing which may serve as an obstruction in the event she would go into labor. "You're not due for another two weeks, it's too soon to take it off." The exosuit seemed unbearably hot now, no matter what she adjusted the internal temperature to. "Maybe if I just loosen the straps a little…"

* * *

Having searched every inch of the Normandy, Shepard was beginning to get worried. He headed down to his quarters to see if maybe Tali had left a note or something. Upon entering he found a very unexpected sight. The shredded remains of Tali's suit were strewn across the room and the quarian herself lay sprawled out naked on the bed. She looked up at the commander with a dejected expression.

"I'm weak." Tali sighed.

* * *

Wowzers! This is the longest chapter ever at over two-thousand words! See the crew's reaction to Tali, and Wrex, Ashley and Liara coming to the Normandy in chapter twelve.

Also, now that Tali's walking around naked and such, should I describe what I think quarians look like under their masks, or keep it ambiguous? And thank Mercsenary for Veetor's reaction.


	12. Grunt Joins the Admiralty Board

An Unfortunate Mix Up now has its own page on TV Tropes! Go and contribute to it NOW! Well, read this insanely long chapter first!

An Unfortunate Mix Up Chapter 12: Grunt Joins the Admiralty Board

Liara T'soni was bored. There are had been no new leads on the Shadow Broker in over a month and she was beginning to lose hope. The asari decided to browse through her mail in case any contacts had found something. Strangely she found only a message from someone named "Kelly Chambers". Intrigued, she clicked the open icon and scanned through the letters content.

"Shepard and Tali?" She muttered, and read further. "Invited to…" Liara's eyes widened as she read the next part of the letter. "Baby shower!?" Liara stood up and headed towards the docking bay. "Nyxeris! I'm going on an important trip. I'm leaving you in charge." She ordered to her assistant.

* * *

"Clan leader, we have received a message from a human known as 'Kel-E Shame-burz', I think." Urdnot Wrex sighed at the messenger's pathetic attempt at pronouncing the human name.

"What is the message?" Wrex pretended to show interest in the courier, but with his constant goal of uniting the tribes, little things like this seemed to be only an annoyance.

"She says that you are 'cord-E-all-E' invi-inviated-invited, yeah definitely invited, to Cammder Shepheard and Tall-E Z-Za-Zzzz… Tall-E baby shower." Wrex made a mental note to find out who employed a krogan who couldn't read as the courier and have him executed. Then he processed what the message said.

"Shepard? SHEPARD!" The krogan clan leader jumped from his rubble throne and stampeded towards the nearest shuttle. "I have important business to attend to! Tell Wreav he's in charge until I return!"

* * *

"Sorry I'm late, Tali's entered the 'nude phase' and that bosh'tet Shepard didn't have the faintest idea that she needed a birthing gown. Idiot." Shala'Raan complained as she walked up to the other admirals.

"Now that you've arrived let us begin." Han'Gerrel announced and the admirals sat down in four chairs arranged in a circle. "I know that things have been very hectic lately, but it's time we start trying to find a replacement for Rael."

"I vote that we don't. The board is divided enough as it is." Daro'Xen chimed in. "Gerrel wants to kill the geth, I want to re-enslave them, Koris wants to have… peace" she spat peace out as if it were a disgusting word, "with them. And I want them back in our control. What if the next admiral wants to do something else?"

"Like eat them?" Gerrel asked in a tone that implied he was both joking and serious at the same time.

"I agree with Xen. We don't need any more opinions." Zaal'Koris stated. "I have a dream that one day this flotilla will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all rannochians are created equal. I have a dream that geth and quarians will one day live in a world where they will not be judged by whether they are organic or synthetic, but by the content of their character. I have a dream that one day on the hills of the home world the sons of quarians and the sons of geth will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood."

"Shut up Koris." The other admirals all demanded.

"Why do you like the geth so much anyway?" Gerrel asked.

"They are our children, and we tried to exterminate them. Everything that has happened to us we deserved. Now we are poised to right our wrongs and bring a new age of equality and-"Zaal abruptly stopped speaking when he realized the other admirals had left while he was caught up in speech. Cursing under his breath, the admiral stood up and returned to his private quarters. He opened the door and looked around to ensure there was no one else in the vicinity before walking inside and having the door close behind him.

"It's okay Zaal Jr., the bad admirals are gone." A geth platform crawled out from underneath Koris' bed and ran towards the admiral before embracing him. "That's a good geth. Daddy missed you." He rubbed Zaal Jr's 'head' which caused the geth to make an electronic droning which sounded almost like a purr. "One day you'll be able to live free amongst us. One day…"

* * *

The birthing gown was a loose-fitting purple garment made from an incredibly fragile fabric. It was loose enough that the wearer did not feel as though the clothing would hinder the birthing process and its fragility meant instead of the thirty minutes to an hour it took to remove an exosuit without damaging it, the gown could merely be ripped off. Shala had given it to Tali so she wouldn't have to walk around naked, and as an excuse to get near Commander Shepard so she could slap him again.

"Let's show the crew the woman behind the mask." Shepard said while putting his hand on Tali's shoulder.

"I don't know Shepard. Maybe I should just stay in here until junior is born and I can go back to wearing my suit…"

"Don't be ridiculous. You look great." The commander slowly lead Tali towards the elevator. While walking Shepard noticed for the first time that Tali's stomach was rather swollen, not to the degree of a pregnant or human or asari, but still enough to tell she was expecting.

"Wow Tali, for the first time you actually look pregnant. At least by human standards."

"I'll take that as a compliment. I think." The pair reached the elevator and headed up to the Combat Information Center where the rest of the crew had a quite a surprise in store.

* * *

"So then I said "Baby, I don't care what kind of acids ye' got" and then the next thing I remember is waking up next to a turian. A male turian." Engineer Donnelley waited for the crew to start laughing, as he believed the 'drunken male turian story' to be the funniest in his repertoire yet the giggles never came. Instead Garrus, Kelly, Thane, Samara, Gabby, Miranda, Jack, Grunt, Zaeed, Jacob, Mordin and Kasumi stared with wide eyes and mouths gaping. "Wha'? Is there somethin' behind me?" Kenneth turned around and saw the Commander standing beside a mysterious figure. "Wait a second! Yer' Tali aren't ya?"

"Who else would I be?" The rest of the crew snapped back into focus and took in the information that the person next to Shepard was Tali sans exosuit.

"That was not what I was expecting you to look like." Jacob commented.

"D-did it just move." Garrus gasped while pointing to Tali's head.

"Yes they move, and yes they're sensory organs." The quarian answered with a hint of annoyance. "You can stop staring at me now." Tali was begging to get rather uncomfortable, quarians worked together and it was not normal for one individual to be the center of attention. "I'm just going to go back to the engineering deck." And she disappeared back through the elevator.

"Pay up cheerleader, I told you they looked like that." Jack demanded and Miranda begrudgingly handed her a credit chit.

"It-it moved." Garrus stammered, still shaken by the sight.

* * *

Several days later the crew had gotten used to Tali's appearance and Tali had gotten used to not wearing an exosuit and so things had somewhat returned to normal. In the mess hall, Garrus strolled by the table on his way to the weapons room for some more calibrations when he noticed our heroes sitting at across from one another at the main table.

Shepard dipped his finger into a container of the dextro-protein equivalent of whipped cream. He held the finger, now coated in dextro-whipped cream up and Tali extended her tongue to lick it off from across the table. Garrus looked on in a mixture of fascination and disgust.

"You're just trying to gross me out now aren't you?" The turian asked.

"Maybe…" Shepard replied while Tali continued to lick the dextro-whipped cream. As this was going on Grunt wandered into the med bay, due to extreme boredom, the krogan looked around and saw a bottle of pills labeled "steroids".

"What are these?" He asked to Dr. Chakwas while examining the bottle.

"They're steroids, a type of medicine used to treat infection. Humans used to use them to increase their muscle mass but stopped after it was discovered that they have very bad side effects." Grunt's eyes widened as he swallowed the last of the steroids.

"What kind of side effects?" Suddenly he felt a rage overcome him, not like the bloodlust all krogans possess. It was something artificial, something wrong, something that caused him to bellow at the top of his lungs. "ROID RAAAAAAAAGE!" Grunt leapt through the window and ran towards the elevator leaving a trail of destruction in his path. Once inside the elevator he pressed the CIC level's button and tapped his foot to the elevator music. Once the door opened Grunt resumed his homicidal rampage and charged through the Combat Information Center, through the decontamination chamber, and into the Rayya.

It was at this time that Admiral Zaal'Koris was going for a leisurely stroll when he spotted Grunt running in circles and making horrible growling noises.

"Hey! You're that krogan who defecated in our water supply! Get out of here!" Koris shook his fist at Grunt who turned the quarian with a look of pure hatred.

"You dare insult Urdnot Grunt? YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE! RAGUHGUGHUGHGUGHGUH!" Grunt dashed forward, head-butting Zaal and shoving him towards the airlock.

"This is madness!" Koris exclaimed as grunt opened the door behind him.

"I. AM. KROGAN!" The door opened and Grunt punted Admiral Zaal'Koris vas Qwib-Qwib into the cold heartless void of space.

"You… YOU SPACED ADMIRAL ZAAL'KORIS VAS QWIB-QWIB!" Tali exclaimed in utter horror.

"Hehe, Qwib-Qwib." Shepard chuckled, unable to resist. Startled by the commotion, the three remaining admirals ran up to the group.

"What is your name and birthplace?" Han'Gerrel furiously asked to Grunt.

"Grunt of clan Urdnot, I was born in a tank." Grunt spat back, still on edge from the steroids.

"Then I hereby christen you Admiral Grunt'Urdnot vas Normandy nar Tank."

"What?!" Shepard and Tali gasped in unison. "He just committed murder, how could you possible make _him_ an admiral?"

"You see Tali, there is a very old law from the days when we were first beginning to explore the starts. It stated that if an admiral were to be killed, his or her killer would assume their position." Shala explained.

"Why in the world would you keep a rule like that? Why not get rid of it?" Tali kept looking between Shala and Grunt, who seemed incredibly pleased with himself.

"Honestly we never thought anyone would be stupid enough to try and kill an admiral, so we never bothered to change it." Gerrel stepped forward.

"And we were even more positive that no one would ever succeed." He added sheepishly.

"Admiral Urdnot Grunt. I like it." The krogan chuckled to himself.

"Come on Grunt, let's get you the proper attire of an admiral and have your position made official." Xen and Gerrel lead Grunt away towards the board's private meeting chambers. Once they were gone Shala turned to Tali and Shepard.

"Alright, we need to discuss this marriage business." She demanded curtly. "Are you really sure this is what you want Tali?"

"Yes Aunt Raan it is. I love Shepard and Shepard loves me." Tali answered.

"How can you say that he loves you if he can't even tie his tongue in a knot with yours?"

"I'm standing right here." Commander Shepard stated but fell on deaf ears, well the quarian equivalent of ears.

"Of all people I thought you would be happy for me!" Tali yelled. "Come on Shepard, let's go back to the Normandy." The pair left with Shepard putting his arm around Tali's waist for emphasis, leaving Shala'Raan alone.

* * *

As Shepard and Tali stepped into the Normandy they were greeted with a shock even bigger than Grunt's recent "promotion".

"Shepard?"

"Wrex?"

"SHEPARD!" Wrex ran forward and caught the Commander a hug which would have crushed any other human's spine. He let go of Shepard and laughed heartily.

"What're you doing here Wrex?" Shepard asked while smiling.

"I was invited for the surprise-I mean, I heard you and Tali are going to have a youngling. There's no way I'd miss that." Tali stepped out from behind the Commander and waved. "Is that? Tali? TALI!" And Wrex gave the quarian a hug just a big as Shepard's.

"I missed you too, Wrex." She managed to choke out before being released from the bear hug. It was at this moment Garrus chose to enter the room, having been discussing the removal of his jaw-plate with Mordin.

"Garrus? GARRUS!" Wrex once again moved in for a massive hug. "You look even uglier than last time!"

"Yeah, getting shot in the face by a rocket will do that to you." The krogan laughed at this response and released Garrus. While this chaos was going on, Shepard noticed someone else sitting by the galaxy map: Liara T'Soni.

"Liara!" Shepard and Tali both exclaimed and ran towards the asari.

"Shepard, Tali, it's great to see the woman behind the mask." Liara waved at her old friends/team mates. "And congratulations on the Normandy's littlest crewmember." Her gaze turned to Tali's slightly swollen stomach.

"Thanks. I take it you were invited too?" Shepard questioned. Liara nodded in response when Kelly Chambers walked in.

"I invited them Commander. I thought your old squad mates deserved to see this." The Yeoman smiled brightly and look around which caused said smile to dissipate. "Hmm, where's Ashley Williams? She should've arrived by now."

"You invited Shepard's ex-girlfriend to his wedding?" Tali screamed in a mixture of shock and rage. It now seemed like the herbal remedy for the homicidal jealous she was experiencing was not enough.

"And baby-uh, baby being born if she chooses to stay long enough for that." Kelly laughed nervously and hoped that the surprise had not been ruined.

* * *

Grunt walked out from the Clean Room wearing a custom made exosuit and beaming with pride. He was not just a clan leader, but a leader of an entire species. It would be a matter of hours before the power went to his head.

"As my first order as Admiral Urdnot Grunt, I declare that from now on there will be a new holiday: Casual Friday!" The other admirals face-palmed and prayed to their ancestors to have Grunt die of a heart attack very, very soon.

"You can't just do that. The Admiralty Board is not a singular dictator." Daro'Xen objected.

"Do you want to end up like Koris?" Xen, Shala and Gerrel gulped. "Didn't think so. CASUAL FRIDAY NOW!" The admirals ran off to find something casual to wear over their exosuits and Grunt began to laugh as he became mad with power. "This is awesome!"

Soon every quarian on every ship in the Migrant Fleet was wearing a Hawaiian floral print style tee-shirt and Bermuda shorts over their exosuits. Where in the galaxy they had found these tacky human clothes was a mystery, one that Grunt didn't care about as he was much too busy being elated that Shepard had found some in his size.

"We've got to put a stop to this." Tali complained to Shepard and Mordin.

"Don't know." The salarian answered while inspecting the orange muumuu he was wearing. "Rather like human casual dress attire. Design very pleasant." No one had the heart to tell Mordin he was wearing female clothing, the guy liked his muumuu too much for that.

Across the room Wrex and found Grunt and the two were catching up on what had happened since the tank-born's rite of passage.

"And I said 'I. AM. KROGAN!' and punted his sorry butt into space." Wrex applauded by slapping Grunt on the shoulder.

"Now that's what a call krogan. You got quads, Grunt." Grunt bowed his head at the clan leader's compliment. Grunt walked up to a large podium and waved towards the crowd of quarians and Normandy crewmembers.

"Now, for my next order of business. For too long we have wandered the stars. The time has come to land the Migrant Fleet… on Tuchanka!" Grunt raised his fist into the air and waited for the glorious applause which never came.

"These ships aren't designed to land." Han'Gerrel commented dryly.

"Well we're going to land them anyway! To Tuchanka!" The quarians scattered to prepare for their imminent fiery deaths once they crash landed on the krogan home world.

"Shepard, if Grunt tries to land the flotilla on Tuchanka we'll all be killed. We have to stop him!" Shepard drew out his pistol.

"You're right Tali, we'll have to kill him." As he prepared to pull the trigger Tali snatched the pistol from Shepard's hand.

"No, we can't kill Grunt. He's one of the most popular characters."

"Darn it. You're right. But how else do we stop him?" Shepard and Tali made some 'hmm' noises and scratched their chins while deep in thought.

"I've got it! Grunt became Admiral because he killed Zaal'Koris. But if we can bring Koris back he will lose his position!" Tali could hardly contain her excitement at the fact that they were no longer going to die.

"But he's _dead_. I doubt we could convince the Illusive Man to bring him back. Maybe if he were female…"

"But he's not dead Shepard. Quarians can survive in the vacuum of space for short periods of time." Tali explained. The Commander looked at her in shock.

"You said that was just a myth."

"No, I said that quarians being partly synthetic was a myth. Our suits have live support features built into them which would allow Koris to survive up to a week in space, as long as he isn't hit by an asteroid or sucked into one of the ship's mass effect fields."

"Then we've got no time to waste! To the Normandy!" Shepard ran off and Tali quickly followed him.

* * *

The Normandy scoured the space around the Rayya with EDI and Legion scanning for any signs of life. Finally the radar picked up a quarian shaped blip and Shepard leaned closer.

"Shepard Commander, it appears we have located Creator Zaal'Koris." Tali gasped.

"Is-is that Legion?"

"Oh solid waste excretion."

* * *

_Admiral's Log,_

_I've tried to keep track of the time but days have blurred into months and the months into years. I probably should just shut down my life support systems but I can't. I must stay strong for Zaal Jr. Without me he'll be destroyed or worse. They'll let Xen probe him! I can't let that happen. Must. Try. To. Get. Back. To. The. Fleet. _As Koris finished recorded his latest log entry a steel cable wrapped around one of the tubes on the back of his mask which delivered air to the admiral.

"What the bosh'tet?" Zaal looked behind him and saw the Normandy hovering in all her glory in space with Jacob Taylor hanging from the airlock with some sort of space-fishing pole in hand.

"Time to reel this fish in!" Jacob pulled hard on the pole and began to reel Zaal'Koris closer and closer to the Normandy. Finally the two fell back into the airlock and the door rapidly shut behind them. Koris got on his knees and began to kiss the floor of the ship, well technically he was kissing the inside of his visor, but it counted. He looked up and saw Jacob, Shepard and Tali staring down at him.

"You saved my life." Tali nodded her head.

"No Koris. You saved ours." Suddenly the quarian felt the familiar cold feel of a gun pressing against her head.

"Not yet he didn't." Ashley Williams scowled as she prepared to pull the trigger.

"Ashley, you made it!" Kelly squeaked in delight.

* * *

Oh noes! Will Tali get shot? I sure hope not but find out in chapter 13: Unholy Matrimony.


	13. Unholy Matrimony

This chapter has been far too long in the making, sorry about that.

On a lighter note:  
Wow! An Unfortunate Mix Up has been edited on TV Tropes by someone other than AnimusFerrus or myself, it's been translated into Russian by Channet, you guys are great!

* * *

An Unfortunate Mix Up Chapter 13: Unholy Matrimony

Ashley prepared to pull the trigger and reduce Tali's head to pile of viscous fluids not unlike a smashed watermelon in appearance. Before she could commit the act of the murder a cry bellowed out from across the CIC.

"Ashley? ASHLEY!" Wrex charged towards the Operations Chief and grabbed her in a crushing bear hug, completely oblivious to the attempted homicide. In shock Ashley dropped her gun which upon hitting the ground discharged. The door to the elevator opened at this precise moment and Joker stepped out, having made a miraculous recovery thanks to an new experimental bone re-growth treatment.

"Guys! I'm all better!" Joker raised his hands up in a cheer when the stray bullet hit him the shoulder, causing him to fall back and shatter all of the bones in his body once more.

"Joker!" Shepard exclaimed and rushed over to his fallen friend. Wrex, believing that the entire incident was some sort of horrible accident let go of Ashley to go help Joker as well. She stood there for several moments in utter shock. Ashley finally snapped out of it and reached down to retrieve her fallen gun only to have her head get grabbed by Tali and then bashed against the quarian's knee. She slumped to the ground and started murmuring about pancakes and sea pigs.

"Woah." Shepard commented, for the first time ever he was grateful for Tali's hormone-induced jealous rage.

* * *

Grunt sat upon a massive throne made out of various boxes and refuse he had found while drinking a barrel full of Krogan Ryncol. After emptying the barrel he let loose a massive belch and laughed. "Ah, it's good to be king."

"I'm afraid your reign of terror is over!" Daro'Xen, Han'Gerrel and Shala'Raan approached Grunt's throne.

"You dare challenge Admiral Grunt'Urdnot vas Normandy nar Tank, slayer of Zaal'Koris?"

"Not exactly." Zaal stepped out from behind the other admirals. Several quarian marines armed with enough tranquilizer darts to take down a thresher maw also entered from the sides of the room.

"Uh-oh."

* * *

Shepard had reluctantly handed Ashley over to Mordin, the salarian claiming to have a way of 'fixing her' and now the Commander and Tali were in a meeting with Shala about their imminent marriage.

"You're entirely sure you want to do this?" Shala asked for the fourteenth time since the meeting had begun.

"We're positive." Shepard and Tali held hands as the stated this. Shala'Raan sighed.

"Very well. We will perform a bonding ceremony for you two." Tali ran up and embrace her surrogate aunt. "Now there is the issue of the ceremony being physically impossible for a human…"

"I've been thinking about that." Shepard chimed in. "Maybe we could replace the parts of the ceremony that I couldn't do with parts of a human wedding?"

"Good enough, I guess. But wouldn't a human minister be needed?" Shepard frowned at the admiral's remark.

"Yeah… I've been having a bit of trouble with that. There's no one on the extranet who's willing to and I've tried asking Councilor Anderson for help but he won't answer my mails for some reason…"

* * *

Councilor Anderson turned on the hologram display and the three other members of the citadel council came into view. "Listen, we have to do something about the letters Commander Shepard has been sending. If this quarian/human hybrid child thing isn't a joke it could affect diplomatic relations between quarians and all the citadel races. And I'm not even going to try a list all the potential scientific advancements."

"Ah yes, the 'human/quarian hybrid child," The turian councilor's mandibles twitched. "We've dismissed these claims." Anderson face palmed.

* * *

"Then I guess the ceremony is canceled!" Shala cheered. The trio did not notice that a heavily tattooed human biotic had entered the room.

"Not so fast!" Jack raised her index finger in a 'matter-of-fact' gesture. "I can marry them."

"What?" Shepard, Tali and Raan gasped in unison.

"I've done a lot of crazy stuff in my life, like join a cult. During my time in the cult I ended getting legally certified to perform marriages. Well marriages within the cult but that hardly matters."

"I don't know, Jack-" Shepard began before being interrupted by Tali.

"Really? You'll you marry us?"

"Heck I'll marry anything to anyone." Zaeed had entered the room with Jessie, having heard rumors of a target practice area he may get to use his old rifle on when he heard Jack's comment.

"Anything?" Zaeed's grip on the rifle tightened.

"Alright, let's get this ship wreck moving." Shala sighed and went off to fetch the other admirals. Tali turned to face the Commander.

"Even with the human replacements I'm sure they won't let you skip the linking of suits, so we're going to need to get you an exosuit Shepard." Shepard gulped.

* * *

Commander Shepard was not very happy as he stood naked inside a clean room while Tali sat in the corner giggling and Kal'Reegar attempted to fit Shepard into one of his spare exosuits. Garrus too, was inside the room. Shepard had picked the turian as his best man and so he came for moral support.

"Now just put your foot here, no that won't fit." Kal muttered while trying get the Commander inside. "Keelah, why do humans have to have so many digits?"

"I just wanted say thanks again for lending me one of your suits Kal, it reall means-" The rest of Shepard's comment was muffled as Kal tried to fit a visor of the Commander's face.

"No problem Shepard. It's the least I could for you saving me back on Haestrom."

"I'm not sure if this is the best time," Garrus piped up. "But I've always wondered, and since Tali will never answer this it may be my only chance to ask… Kal, how do quarians go to the bathroom?"

"Our suits have built waste collection, containment, and recycling units. In face I'm using mine right now." Garrus' mandibles twitched in a disturbed manner.

"I'm just gonna get some fresh air, somewhere far away." He then bolted from the room. Kal put the finishing touches on the suit and tied down all the straps.

"And we're done." Kal stepped back to admire his work, Shepard was hunched over and bent in a position that could not have been comfortable due to ill fitting exosuit.

"Thanks. I think." Shepard tried to wave but stopped as he felt it would most likely tear the suit.

"Miss Zorah's an amazing woman. Treat her right Shepard." Kal put his hand on the Commander's shoulder and lead him to the door.

"You can call me Tali you know." The aforementioned Miss Zorah mentioned.

"Whatever you say, ma'am. Now let's have ourselves a bonding ceremony!"

* * *

Jacob stealthily crept into the darkened mess hall. He approached the kitchen.

"Look at this – like sneaking into Gardner's kitchen, heavy risk." The former alliance marine set his eyes a box of cheesy-poofs. "But the priiiiiize." As he reached out towards the box he noticed Grunt seated at the computer playing Galaxy of Fantasy while trying to hold back his tears.

"Come on Grunt, Shepard and Taii's wedding is starting!" Jacob called out.

"I had everything. People to rule, holidays to make, all the ryncol I could drink… AND NOW IT'S ALL GONE!" The krogan's head slammed down and he began to sob pitifully.

"Suit yourself." Once Grunt finished crying he looked up at the screen and saw his character being attacked by none other than KroganSl4y3r85.

1 General Chat: (Grrrunt) whispers: Dont kil me. My lif iz a pitiful shell

There was a long pause before the other player whispered him back.

1 General Chat: (KroganSl4y3r85) whispers: U wanna cyber?

1 General Chat: (Grrrunt) whispers: Wat dat

* * *

Shepard and Tali stood next one another in matching exosuits, thought Tali's ended below the waist and was replaced by her birthing gown lest she strip the suit off in the middle of the ceremony.

"We are gathered here today to bond Commander, first name would prefer not to be spoken, Shepard vas Normandy and Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya." Shala announced with the other admirals sitting behind her. Jack too sat there as she was serving as the minister, though the biotic busied herself making rude gestures at the admirals.

Behind Shepard and Tali were a row of chairs which the crew of the Normandy, sans-Grunt, Veetor, Kal'Reegar and Xen Ze'fran sat on. Even Joker was there, however he was wearing a full body cast and was so high on painkillers that he believed himself to be on a distant planet fighting an army of zombie oarfish with a chainsaw for a head.

"To prove that they are bonded both in love and in spirit they will demonstrate their unity with a formal dance of their choosing." Shepard's eyes widened at this announcement. He switched the comm-channel of his helmet so only Tali could hear him.

"Tali! You didn't say anything about a dance! I can't dance if my life depended on it."

"You were on the computer all last night, I thought you were researching quarian bonding ceremony customs to prepare?" The bride to be answered.

"No, I was playing Galaxy of Fantasy! We're doomed."

"Don't be silly Shepard. I'm sure your dancing isn't _that_ bad."

"It is. I mean my dance animation is literally swaying from side to side slightly." Tali paused to think about a possible solution.

"Okay, just follow me lead." She turned towards the admirals and set her helmets speakers to the normal broadcast setting so everyone could hear her. "Shepard and I will… perform a human dance… called, uh, 'swaying from side to side slightly'!" The pair began to sway from left to right while random music played. However it was only a matter of time before Shepard tripped and knocked them both to the floor. The quarians in the audience gasped, this was not a good sign.

"This is so embarrassing. This is worse than the time on my pilgrimage when I was stranded on Omega and had to do a spread for Fornax to get enough money to leave the station." Tali complained, however she had forgotten to switch her communications channel to private and the entire room hear her remark. "I said that out loud didn't I?" Everyone nodded.

"What issue were you in?" Shepard asked. "Just out of curiosity." He hastily added. The commander then attempted to get up only to trip on the oversized feet of his exosuit and fall again. Tali immediately repeated this. Soon a plan had formed between the two and they began to spasm on the floor.

"What are they doing? It's like their having a seizure." Han'Gerrel wondered.

"But they're convulsing in perfect synchronization." Zaal'Koris replied. "I think that counts as completing the first ritual." Shala begrudgingly nodded and Jack made farting sounds with her armpit, which apparently meant she agreed.

"Thanks Koris." Tali helped Shepard up off the floor and they awaited the next stage of the ceremony.

"Now they shall both eat a heart-fruit. One of the few flora we have managed to grow from out home world aboard the Migrant Fleet. Or in Shepard's case a genetically engineered levo-protein heart-fruit." Shala handed Tali and Shepard each a star-shaped purple fruit.

"Why is it called a heart-fruit?" Shepard asked while trying to figure out how he would eat it while wearing his exosuit.

"Because they're shaped like hearts." Tali explained before removing the glowing part of her mask and sliding the fruit in. She then replaced the cover and the mask made an audible hiss as it decontaminated the fruit.

"But it's star-shaped."

"Like a heart." Shepard shrugged, figuring this would be the best answer. He then mimicked Tali's action of removing a section of his mask and putting the fruit in. Once they had eaten the fruits Jack stood up and walked towards the pair. It was time for the human portion of the ceremony. Garrus got up from his seat and stood beside Shepard while Liara, having picked as the Maid of Honor, went next to Tali.

"Alright, let's get this over with." Jack glanced at Shepard and Tali. "I'm gonna go ahead and guess you want to skip the ritual sacrifice." The two nodded intensely. "Okay. We are gathered here today to join Shepard and Tali'Z-, Tali'Zoorat, Tali'Zolorah, Tali in unholy matrimony. Shepard, do you take Tali to be your lawfully wedded… alien-wife-thing, I think?"

"I do." Shepard pulled a small gold ring from one of the suit's pockets and placed it on Tali's left third finger.

"Tali, do you take Shepard to be your lawfully wedded husband, to care for in sickness and all that shi-"

"This is a k+ story!" Gerrel interjected.

"Sorry. Do you take Shepard to be your husband?"

"I do." Tali pulled an identical ring from a pocket on her suit and placed on Shepard's left ring finger.

"Now if anyone objects to this union; please speak now." Shala stood straight up at Jack's announcement.

"I object!" Tali sighed.

"Oh for the love of Keelah!" She ripped her visor off, then Shepard's and preceded to violently smooch him. After several minutes Tali withdrew and revealed that she had somehow managed to tie her and Shepard's tongues together!

"I renounce my objection." Shala sat down dejectedly. Tali pulled on her tongue, causing the knot to unravel.

"Then by the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife!" Jack announced.

"You may now link your suits." Daro'Xen added. Shepard and Tali each grabbed a cable connected to their exosuits and linked them together, but seeing as how their visors were already off the gesture was solely symbolic. Shala then motioned to a clean room with a large see-through glass wall.

"You will now enter the clean room and consummate your marriage in front us." Shala stated.

"What!" The newlyweds exclaimed.

"Just kidding." Admiral Raan could hardly suppress her laughter at looks on Shepard and Tali's faces. "Now let's have a one heck of a reception!" Everyone cheered and headed towards a buffet table which had been laid out at the side of the room.

"Garrus, Liara, thanks for being here." Shepard shook the best man/turian and maid of honor's hands.

"No problem Shepard." Garrus answered.

"It was my pleasure." Liara said. Shepard and Tali went off to greet the other members of the crew and guests. The newlyweds next went to greet Kal'Reegar who was talking with Mordin, or rather Mordin was lecturing the quarian about turian skin aliments he found a cure for and Kal was desperately trying to find a way out of the conversation.

"Found that soaking rash in vorcha urine very successful. However, hard to find large enough supply. Patients not very willing either."

"That's really interesting Dr. Solus but I think the bride and groom want to speak with us." Kal sighed in relief.

"Shepard, Tali. Congratulations. Looking forward to documenting dynamics of human/quarian married life. Will greatly benefit scientific community in areas of xenobiology and behavioral studies." The scientist salarian shook their hands.

"I'd like to say congrats too. Shepard, you've got to be luckiest man in the galaxy to get a woman like Tali as a wife, she's sweet but strong and those hips…" Kal began.

"Her hips are great." Shepard nodded in agreement.

"Why is everyone so obsessed with my hips?" Tali asked, rather disturbed by it.

"Large hips indicate wider birth canal. Thus female has less chance of dying in childbirth. Natural for males to be attracted to such a feature." Mordin explained.

"They're not nearly as attractive when you put it that way." Kal'Reegar and Shepard both commented. "Well I better be going." The soldier walked off and the group waved goodbye.

"Also, wanted to show you something." Mordin motioned to the airlock leading the Normandy which opened as he did so. Ashley Williams stepped out.

"Greetings. This one would like to apologize for any inconveniences it may have caused either of you." Ashley stated in an emotionless tone.

"Ash? What did he do to you?" Shepard asked both in horror and appreciation of the Operations Chief's transformation.

"This one's face-name is no longer Ashley Williams, it is now known as Physalia Physalis." She proudly stated.

"Introduced Chief Williams to old student. Krogan, raised by hanar. Converted her to hanar Enkindler religion." Mordin emphasized.

"This one must leave now. It is destined to spread the teachings of the Enkindlers to this one's fellow soldiers of the alliance military. Farewell comrades." Ashley waved and wandered off in search of someone willing to fly her back to Earth or the Citadel. Shepard shrugged and picked Tali up bridal style.

"So, how does it feel to be Mrs. Tali'Shepard vas Normandy?" The commander whispered into his new wife's ear-equivalent.

"Pretty darn good, Shepard. Pretty darn good."

* * *

  
Unfortunately we only have two chapters left, but they'll be some of the best. Honestly I thought this chapter would be longer, however I did cut some stuff out so I could finally have it done. Be on the lookout for chapter fourteen: "Teh Babby ShowR"

Also, whoever figures out what Ashley's new face-name means first gets a cameo!


	14. Teh Babby ShowR

I would like to thank AnimusFerrus for writing the segment featuring Fil Der and Barst arresting Udina.

Lorva Haven of the Clan Haven is Lorvahaven's cameo. Congrats on being the first to successfully guess that Physalia Physalis meant Portuguese Man-O-War

An Unfortunate Mix Up Chapter 14: Teh Babby ShowR

Shala'Raan nervously approached the newlyweds and waved meekly. "Tali, Shepard?" She called to them. The pair turned their heads and frowned. "I just wanted to say that, I'm sorry for how I've acted lately."

"Wait." Shepard lowered his arms so Tali could get down. "You mean all this was because Tali and I hadn't tied our tongues into a knot?" He asked in a very annoyed tone.

"No. You see, Tali is practically my surrogate daughter Commander, it's my job to be the disapproving parent." Shala seemed to struggle with the next sentence. "But I see how… devoted you two are… so you have my blessings." Tali ran forward and embraced the admiral. Once she was done Shepard smiled.

"Thanks Admiral Raan, that meant a lot to both of us." He moved into give Shala a hug as well.

"Call me Surrogate-Mom-In-Law now."

* * *

Several hours later the reception came to a close and the newlyweds had vanished leaving most of the guests to chat about phase 2: the baby shower.

"Alright everyone, it's time to get the baby shower off the ground. Jacob, where's Grunt?" Kelly ordered and asked.

"Last I saw he was playing that internet game. Why?" The ex-corsair responded.

"I put him in charge of making a banner, you know like "Congratulations!" or something." As the yeoman finished speaking Grunt stumbled in clutching a large paper with paint dripping from one side.

"TAH-DAH!" Grunt announced as he proudly held up the banner which read "Teh Babby ShowR".

"Teh Babby ShowR?" Garrus asked in disbelief.

"Epic. Fail." Jack added.

"The tank taught me how to fight, not how to spell." Grunt quipped indignantly. Kelly face-palmed and hoped that maybe, just maybe no one would notice the banner.

"Okay, moving on the subject dos: Presents. What are we going to get for the baby and where are we going to get it?" A blank expression crossed the crew's faces.

"I think I might know of a shop on the Citadel that sells hatchling stuff." Garrus commented. "There was a big drug sting operation there back in my second year at C-Sec, turns out the owner was stuffing the plush animals with red sand but we got it under new management."

"How would we go to the Citadel? Shepard said we are not to leave the fleet until after the child is born in case we need the assistance of quarian doctors." Samara looked around and no one seemed to have an answer. Suddenly an idea struck Thane so hard he almost fainted, literally.

"We could take the Kodiak." He suggested and the crew began to nod in agreement.

"Great idea Thane, I'm sure Shepard wouldn't notice half the crew missing." Everyone hung their heads at Jack's comment.

"Actually he won't." Shala stepped into the group.

"Why not?" Kelly asked.

"Do you know why we have couples eat heart fruits as part of the bonding ceremony?" Shala began to explain. "Heart fruits are one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs in the known galaxy. You won't be seeing Shepard or Tali for a few _days_ at the least." The crew seemed rather disturbed at her comment.

"On the off chance that doesn't work," Kenneth piped up, "Me and Gabby have been workin' on something that might keep the lovebirds distracted too."

"Then it's settled." Kelly clapped her hands together. "To the Citadel!"

* * *

"Way of the Future" was a quaint store in one of the lower levels of the Citadel. Few ever went inside, as despite the adorable baby toys and supplies, its krogan owner and his pet female varren Garulala were rather… intimidating. The owner, one Lora Haven of Clan Haven was a 6' 5" male krogan with his left eye red and the right eye black, with a scar running down his right eye, wearing a bright red and white armor suit with a shotgun strapped to his side. Lead by Garrus, the Normandy's shore party consisting of Mordin, Liara, Jacob, Thane, Samara, Wrex, Miranda and Kelly entered. Joker was still too injured to go, Grunt said he did enough by making the banner, and Kasumi and Zaeed allegedly already had gifts.

"Welcome to Way of the Future." Lora Haven waved cheerily at them. "May I take your coat or pants?"

"Um, no thanks." Garrus responded, his mandibles twitching.

"Why is this store called 'Way of the Future'?" Miranda asked.

"Children is the future," Lora explained. He then picked up Garulala and began to pet it. "No matter which race." He set the varren down and it scurried off. "How can I help?"

"We're looking for some toys, diapers, ect. Standard baby shower things." Jacob answered. Lora motioned for the group to follow and lead them to the back of the store.

"This is baby shower isle." Lora pointed a shelf covering the back wall. "All things for baby showers are here."

"Thank you… Sir." Garrus shook the krogan's hand and Lora Haven returned to his post at the checkout desk. The group began searching the shelf for suitable presents. Thane was drawn to an odd vid with hideously deformed creatures on it called "Teletubbies" and grabbed a copy. Kelly found an interesting cloth garment which could carry the baby around like pouch, which was rather funny, considered Tali had a natural one already.

* * *

Meanwhile on board the Normandy, Commander Shepard and Tali had been very unwilling dragged from their quarters to the engineering deck. "Trust me guys, you'll be fifteen levels o' amazed at this." Engineering Donnelley said the entered the drive core's room. Standing in front of the drive core was what at first glance appeared to a LOKI mech but upon closer inspection it was shown to have been heavily modified. The mech was wearing N-7 armor and it's head had been replaced with a salved geth one. The robot shuddered and slowly stretched its limbs.

"Shepard Commander, Legion Platform v. 2.0 has finished internal and beta testing and is fully operational."

"Pretty impressive, huh?" Gabby asked rhetorically. "We put an actual flashlight in his head."

"We do not appreciate that modification Daniels Engineer."Legion remarked it then turned to Shepard and Tali. "Shepard Commander, Creator Tali'Zorah, we have reached consensus that our judgment of being able to interact with you again is similar to organic feeling of happiness."

"It's… good to see you too… Legion." Tali struggled to say and shook the geth's hand. Shepard was incredibly proud at this exchange; he had been for peace between the quarians and geth ever since he found out that most of them weren't evil reaper-worshiping automatons.

"Our scans indicated based on pheromone levels that you have a strong compulsion to continue mating, we shall return to the AI core." Legion walked off.

"So whaddya' think?" Kenneth looked hopefully at Shepard and Tali.

"How did you even know about Legion?" Shepard asked.

"We're vague background characters, we know everything." Gabby explained.

"Well… bye." The newlyweds bolted off towards the elevator.

"My credit chit says they won't make it back to their quarters." Ken bet.

"My credit chit says they won't make it to the elevator."

* * *

Several days later the crew had returned from their trip to the Citadel and had set up the baby shower in the crew's quarters. According the Shala the heart-fruit's effects were due to wear off very soon.

Shepard emerged from his and Tali's quarters with the quarian in question following him. He noticed a note hastily taped to the elevator which read "Goe 2 da Krew Quar-Krawts-Krew Place –Grunt". The Commander shrugged and he and Tali stepped into the elevator. Once they reached the crew's quarters the pair got out and seeing that the hallway was empty, headed to the mess hall.

"SURPRISE!" The Normandy's crew yelled along with Kal'Reegar, Xen Ze'frains, Veetor and the Admiralty Board. Grunt's "Teh Babby ShowR" banner unfurled from the ceiling.

"Shepard, what's going on?" Tali asked nervously while clutching her husband's arm.

"It's a baby shower," Shepard looked again at the banner, "I think. It's a human tradition where you celebrate that a baby's about to be born." Tali calmed down and the two walked further into the room. "Thanks everyone, I don't know what to say."

"Do not thank us, thank Kelly. She arranged this." Thane said. Kelly waved to the couple from across the room where she was talking the Gardener about something.

"You said there would be cake!" She whispered in a furious tone at the mess sergeant.

"I thought the cake was a lie?" Gardner asked while scratching his head.

"The cake is not a lie!"

"Well if it's not, why'd you ask me to make one when that one was already here?" Gardner pointed to a large cake with purple frosting that said "Congratulations Shepard and Tali" on the side.

"Who made that?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know," The mess sergeant shrugged. "But I'd say let's not look a gift cake in the mouth." Kelly sighed and nodded in agreement.

Back at the main party, Shepard and Tali had been ordered to sit at the main table and were being handed their presents. Kasumi offered hers first. "I know that on a baby shower you're supposed to give stuff for the baby, but I couldn't pass up showing you two this." The master-thief handed Shepard a vid screen which had a large play button in the screen. Tali reached over and pressed it and the recording started:

* * *

Udina cracked his knuckles and booted up something on his terminal. He could barely be heard saying the word "password" and then his hands became a flurry of movement as he muttered "political sh*cough*storm." Odd, ancient-sounding music began playing as a smile crept across the former ambassador's face. A flurry of clicking, typing and mouse movements ensured for some time, while Udina's face cycled between stern, elated, angry and intense expressions.

The recording was plagued by static and began to fast-forward. Udina was  
furiously working at his computer, making an every greater array of faces (which were all the more amusing in 8x speed). It suddenly dropped back into normal speed. Udina had an enraged look on his face.

"Can you believe that one guy, ONE GUY! Managed to take down the two of us?"

A flanging voice, likely turian replied, "I've been playing for the better part of three years and I have never seen anyone handle a mecharrlan (turian engineer type class) like that. This EggsBenedict guy is insane."

"I'll keep an eye on him. Anderson gave me a few days off while he's out  
searching for some minister willing to marry…Shepard and the quarian. I should be able to get CivilisSterustorm on par with your lumberjack (by the last expansion, Galaxy of Fantasy had run out of ideas for classes), C1aimDisMized."

The turian equivalent of a chuckle could be heard and then the turian voice spoke: "Speaking of which, where are we going for lunch toda-hold on, I need to grab my chit, you paid last time"

Udina could be seen smiling and nodding. The door beeped, whooshed and then  
closed. He began shutting down his console and reached under his desk for something. The man got up and began walking away from the desk. The door opened.

"I was thinking about Ferguson's. They've got good food for both amino acid ty-"

Udina would have been upset had the sight in front of him had been something…sane.

"So, *breath*, returning to the scene of the crime?"

"Flabbergasted: I cannot believe you were actually right, Fil. Irritated: And I dropped my last cigarette."

"What are you talking about? I have done no-" Udina cowered as a Carnifex shot rang out.

"Don't be coy *breath* with us, advisor! *Breath* We have proof you were behind the fire at Ferguson's last week!" Fil held up a crumpled piece of paper that said "I did it –Udina".

Despite the charges just thrown at him, Udina looked perplexed.

"I didn't know that there were volus C-Sec officers."

"Sternly: That trick has never worked. Fil is relentless. Pleadingly: Trust me, I know all too well." Barst replied ever so monotonously.

The camera panned out, showing Udina being faced down by a volus who was wearing a police hat and perched atop an especially large elcor. Both of whom were clearly sporting C-Sec badges. The volus leaped down from the elcor with surprising grace and walked towards Udina with a pair of handcuffs at the ready.

"I have no idea what's gotten into your gas, but do you have any idea what  
kind of POLITICAL SH-"

"-UT UP!" finished Officer Fil Der as he introduced his taser to the former  
ambassador's crotch.

"Amused: You have been wanting to do that since watching the sequel to Hot  
Fuzz, haven't you?" Fil did not respond as he cuffed the now catatonic (and twitching) Udina and  
hauled him toward Barst. A pack of cigarettes fell out of the human's coat, which Barst quickly confiscated as "evidence." The door wooshed.

"Sorry that took so long, my assistant was…SPIRITS! WHAT IS GOING ON?"  
exclaimed the flanging voice from earlier.

"Solemnly: Bringing this *breath* miscreant *breath* to justice, Councilor." Fil Der and Barst responded simultaneously in their unique ways. Fil began to pick Udina's still twitching form up when a taloned hand grabbed and shook him by one of his suit tubes. "You will unhand him and then pray that prison is the least of your worries!" The tube popped out of its port and blew its contents into the room. The volus struggled franticly to reconnect it before his suit lost pressurization and he developed oxygen poisoning. A noise that could best be described as a large whale being demonically possessed resounded through the room. Barst reared up on his back legs and struck the turian, flinging him across the room. Fil sat  
up, the tube barely twitching.

"Barst, *breath* what was that?" He paid no heed to the now still tube.

"With the utmost concern: Fil, you need a medivac. Sternly: Now."

"What, this?" The volus cocked his head toward the tube. "*breath* It's a decoy. You honestly don't think that I'd *breath* walk around with a giant weak-spot *breath* like that, did you?" Fil waved his trusty Carnifex. Barst stared at him. Fil stared back. And put his hat back on.

"Let's get these two scumbags *breath* loaded up. I can't wait *breath* to see  
the Captain's face!"

Barst shook his head. "Morosely: I can."

"Barst *breath*? Do you smell something?" Fil sniffed (as well as he could) the air.

"Glumly: Other than our careers going up in flames, no." Fil popped the heat sink from his hand cannon and spurred his partner's sides. Barst sighed and trundled forth.

The recording cut to a news reporter.

"This is Emily Wong with Citadel News. Right now, the Presidium is under siege! Gunshots and screams were heard from Embassy Complex C earlier today. Donnel Udina, advisor to Councilor David Anderson and the Turian Council-" The reporter was cut off by a massive explosion. "It would appear someone has snuck into the office and planted a…" Emily trailed off as she saw a volus riding on an elcor that was smoking a cigarette and had a human and turian tied to his sides.

"Remember, Barst, *breath* never look back at an explosion you just walked out of."

"Sadly: Not even an asari could live long enough to do all the paperwork we are going to have."

* * *

As the vid finished Shepard and Tali were already rolling on the floor laughing. Once they had ceased the rest of their presents were handed out. Kelly had given them a mobile, Mordin a series of educational videos to "increase child's possible IQ by 15%", Wrex a plush teddy-varren, Garrus gave recipes for both dextro and levo amino baby foods, and so on. Zaeed was the last to give his present, which was a collection of throwing knives.

"Zaeed how… thoughtful…." Tali remarked as she inspected the knives.

"Killed over 200 mercs with those babies. Your kid'll never get picked on with these at his or her disposal." Zaeed stated proudly.

Kelly and Gardener then rolled out the cake, which it turned out was divided into two halfs one dextro amino and the other levo amino, and placed on the center of the table. As everyone sat down to eat the cake began to shiver before a figure exploded out of the top. It was quite shockingly, a naked Illusive Man!

"I'm blind!" Miranda screeched and fainted. The Illusive Man climbed out of the cake, revealing he was not naked after all but wearing a speedo.

"Shepard, Tali congratulations." The two just stared at him in shock.

"A-are you okay?" Shepard asked as his left eye twitched.

"Of course I am. This isn't my actual body, it's a clone I'm controlling remotely that I use for public events. And that means I can do whatever I want." He picked up a knifed and jabbed it through his right hand without any consequence to demonstrate.

"Glad you could make it." Shepard and everyone else in the room simultaneously decided to never touch that cake ever again and that it would be incinerated after the party's end.

* * *

Several hours later the party was still going strong, Mordin had surprised everyone by getting his choir group back together for a special performance. They were putting on a rendition of "The Pirates of Penzance" with the lyrics changed to chronicling Mordin's time in the Salarian Special Tasks Group. Why he thought it was appropriate to put on a play about creating a sterility plague during a baby shower was a complete mystery. During their fifteen minute intermission Garrus got up to get a drink. He noticed that amongst the various purple dextro friendly drinks was a pink one.

_Cherry flavor?_ , the Turian thought, _and the last one! This is my luck day!_ However it was not cherry flavor, but a levo-amino drink that had been placed on the table by accident. As he gulped down the non-cherry flavor levo-amino drink his body immediately began to suffer a severe allergic reaction. Garrus' eyes swelled shut, his trachea constricted, and he became quite delusional. He then staggered towards Shepard and Tali.

"Garrus! What happened you to you?" Shepard exclaimed as he saw the turian's allergic reaction.

"Do I look like the kind of the chap, who goes around after the coincidence attitude restaurants on fires?" Garrus snapped at the Commander. He then vomited the poisonous levo amino drink out onto the table and passed out in said vomit. Tali jumped out of her seat in shock when she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her abdomen while wetness began to trickle down her legs. The quarian's eyes widened as the pain came again and she realized what was going on.

"Shepard! Junior's coming!" She screamed, getting everyone's attention.

Shepard paused for a moment before absorbing what she said. "Oh, OH! Everyone, help! Tali's in labor! Tali's in labor!" Tali put a hand over her stomach as she felt another contraction rip through her. Suddenly the birthing gown felt a too constricting and without thinking she ripped it off. The Illusive Man's eyes widened and he fainted with blood gushing from his nose.

"Get her into the med bay!" Dr. Chawkwas demanded and Shepard, with the help of Shala'Raan and Wrex carried Tali into the med bay and placed her on one of the beds. The others attempted to move Garrus, who began to convulse wildly and slash people with his talons.

"Shepard, I'm sacred." Tali cried. Shepard grabbed her hand.

"It's okay Tali, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be just fine." Shepard stroked Tali's hand and glanced around hoping to see Mordin. "Where the heck is Mordin? He's supposed to be delivering the baby!"

* * *

"_**I am the very model of a scientist salarian,**_" Mordin sang as he unzipped his pants while standing before a urinal. He had drank quite a lot and with a fifteen minute intermission he would be there a long time.

* * *

In all the commotion no one noticed Legion walking up to the bed where Tali was laying. "Shepard Commander, several of our programs were initially created to assist in quarian childbirth. If you cannot wait any longer for Solus Doctor we could assist in the delivery." Shepard glanced at Tali to see if she was open to the idea. She gave him a look that said 'I don't care who delivers this thing as long as it gets OUT!' and he nodded okay to Legion.

Legion got between Tali's legs and prepared itself for the birthing process. "Okay creator Tali'Zorah, infant is stable. We require you to contract your abdominal muscles." Tali groaned as she did so and tightened her grip on Shepard's hand. "Contract your abdominal muscles. Contract your abdominal muscles. Contract your abdominal muscles. The head is appearing." Legion chanted like a mantra. "One final large contraction."

"You're doing great honey." Shepard commented. Tali screamed and every muscle in her body tensed. Several seconds later she went limp and a wet plopping noise was heard. She looked up at her captain and smiled.

"We did it." Legion stood up and looked towards the couple.

"Congratulations, the child is male. Appears to be healthy and creator Tali'Zorah's vital signs are stable." Shepard gave Tali a quick hug before moving to the foot of the bed to see his son. 'Junior' wasn't much to look at, he was little more than a writhing sack of organs with small nubs that would become his arms and legs but that didn't prevent the Commander from thinking he was the most beautiful thing ever.

"Shepard, while the child would follow a pheromone trail into the mouther's pouch on his own tradition dictates the father places it inside." The commander smiled lovingly at Tali and then his son before picking the small quarian/human hybrid up and carefully placing it in Tali's pouch. He, and the rest of the onlookers, watched in amazement as the pouch began to shrink until all the remained was a small seam on Tali's stomach and a bulge where their son was.

"We're parents." The two embraced and the others cheered heartily. "So what should we name him?"

"A child isn't named until it emerges from the pouch you bosh'tet-I mean surrogate son-in-law." Shala remarked while Tali glared at her. "What? I'm trying."

"Thank you Legion. I/we couldn't have done this without your help." Shepard and Tali simultaneously said to the geth platform.

"We were… happy… to assist you Shepard Commander and Creator Tali'Zorah." Legion returned to the AI core, they had much to think about. They had reached a one hundred percent consensus on whether helping deliver the child was a good thing, almost as if the geth was "happy" and if Legion was indeed developing emotions, as AIs were sometimes known to do when exposed to organics, this would require further observation.

Mordin then entered the med bay, wondering where everyone had went and saw the crew gathered around Shepard and Tali who was laying in one of the beds. "What did I miss?"

* * *

Hurray! The baby has been born! Next chapter is, *sniffle* the last one! Which will feature Shepard and Tali's son emerging from the pouch and answer some important questions like, will he need a bubble/exosuit, what will he look like and most of all what is his name?

The first person (if anyone) who manages to correctly guess their son's name gets the final cameo of the story as a quarian doctor, everything else about said character will still be up to you! See you next time, in Chapter 15: Fin.

P.S. As another insensitive, if I can get 200 reviews there will be a special bonus epilogue chapter!


	15. Fin

Do you see what I see? Two. Hundred. Reviews! You guys are all amazing. I'll have a special thanks thingy and stuff at the end of the chapter.

There appears to be a bit of confusion about the cameo, I said only the first person to get it right would win, otherwise I'd have enough people to make a quarian hospital.

The winner's cameo will be revealed at the end so as not to spoil the surprise.

* * *

An Unfortunate Mix Up Chapter 15: Fin

8 Months Later…

Dr. Yog'Sothoth vas Tfarcevol was a very odd quarian in two ways. One, his name was by an amazing coincidence the same as an eldritch abomination in human literature, and two he was so hyper he made Mordin look cool and calm. He wore a white exosuit and knee-length white coat so as to be easily identifiable as a physician, which was what he was currently heading into a clean room to be.

Inside the sterile environment were three figures, one was lying on a bed while the other two stood on opposite sides of her. Tali, whose pouch had expanded and now looked similar to a pregnant human's stomach, was of course the one on the bed while Shepard stood to her right and Shala'Raan to her left. Initially they had been reluctant to allow Shala to link suits with the both of them as it would greatly increase her chance of becoming ill. The admiral had insisted, saying "I linked suits with your mother to see your birth, and I'm going to link suits with you too." And thus the pair had eventually relented.

"Pouchsealisbreaking andchildisshowin gmovements consistenwithattempted emerganceyouare doinggreat." Dr. Sothoth spat out so fast spittle appeared to hit his visor.

"What?" Tali questioned, then looked towards her pouch expectantly. She could feel the child moving around inside, trying to figure out how to successfully leave his home of eight months.

"Isaideverything isgoingwell andwewillsoon beabletofinish theprocess." Dr. Sothoth reiterated while fiddling with a heart monitor. "Alrightletus beginthe extractionimmediately." He grabbed a dull scalpel and advanced on Tali. Once the doctor reached Tali he inserted the scalpel into her pouch's seam and began to break the seal. In the wild a child would normally do this in its struggling to be free but this method was faster and much less painful for both parties. With a long and gentile swipe of the scalpel the pouch had been completely opened. Dr. Sothoth then used said surgical instrument to hold the pouch up and wait for the child to make his move.

Everyone in the room's eyes widened and smiles brightened their faces as a small, pinkish four fingered hand tentatively reached out. Tali reached into her pouch and grasped the sides of the infant before carefully pulling him free. The child looked around which allowed everyone to answer the burning question of what a human/quarian hybrid would look like. He had human eyes, however they glowed as a quarian's would, four fingers on each hand, a pinkish skin tone, and a cross between human ears and their quarian equivalent. Altogether the child was much thinner and more spindly than a human infant, but a normal size for quarians. His feet had five toes each, with the second and fourth toes elongated, but not as long as a normal quarian's. The baby then glanced at Tali and immediately recognized this person holding him to be his mother and cooed happily. The new mother quickly drew the infant into an embrace which was soon joined by Shepard, and then Shala.

"Sorrytointerruptthis touchingtimebutwe mustrunteststosee ifthechildishealthy andstable. Also,shouldithave inheritedaquarianimmunesystem wewillneedto prepareabubble." Dr. Sothoth reached forward and attempted to pry the baby from Tali's arms, which brought the infant to tears and caused Tali to tighten her grip. "Ma'amplease letgoofthechild weneedtoruna fewtests."

"No! My son!" Tali struggled to keep the child in her grasp. "Get your own!" The doctor and mother quickly descended into a tug-of-war over the poor child, who was now crying loudly.

"Is this normal?" Shepard asked Shala while motioning to the spectacle before them.

"Very." As Shala responded Dr. Sothoth had finally manage to wrest control over the baby and began carrying it to an adjoining room for his physical.

* * *

One hour later Tali, now back in her exosuit, and Shepard sat outside the clean room eagerly awaiting the return of their son.

"What if his amino acids are all messed up and he can't eat anything? What if his immune system is even worse than mine? What if?" Tali rambled on while ringing her hands together.

"Shhhh." Shepard put his arm around the nervous quarian's shoulder and pulled her close. "It'll be fine._ He'll_ be fine." At that time the door to the clean room opened, but the couple's hopes were dashed when Mordin emerged instead of Dr. Sothoth and their son. "Mordin? What are you doing in there?"

"Wanted to help analyze the child. Virtual treasure trove of information. Took saliva cultures, x-rays, tested reflexes. Very interesting. Will keep you up to date with further test results." Mordin stated.

"But is he okay?" Tali asked with just a hint of hopefulness.

"Ah yes. All organs appear to be functioning correctly. No detrimental mutations detected. DNA primarily dextro-amino based, could consume levo-amino foods but don't recommend it." The salarian paused to breathe. "And… has Shepard's immune system." Mordin smiled widely while Shepard and Tali could barely resist getting up and dancing in joy. As this occurred Dr. Sothoth emerged with the child, sans-bubble, in hand and passed him to Tali. Now that the new family was united they did get up and dance in joy.

"Salarians do not process emotion in the same way as other races. Still manage to find this heartwarming." Mordin commented to Dr. Sothoth, who was crying behind his visor. Tali and Shepard sat back down and stared at their new son, who was smiling back at them.

"All that's left to do is name him." Shepard commented while tickling the baby's stomach, which prompted the baby to giggle. Tali stared into her son's eyes for several moments and then looked towards Shepard.

"How about… Rael." She then nodded to herself. "Rael'Shepard nar Normandy." A hint of amusement crossed Shepard's face.

"You want to name our son after one of the biggest traitor's in your people's history?" He asked jokingly, both already knowing that their son's name was final.

"Yes. Yes I do _Benedict_ Shepard." She gently shoved the Commander, and Rael started laughing as he if understood the humor of the moment. Mordin then walked forward.

"Rael, excellent choice. Fits him. Sorry to interrupt but need to tell you something." Mordin began, and the new family (even Rael) all looked towards the salarian with curious glances. "Have been working. Managed to reverse effects of retrovirus, could apply it to Tali and prevent another… unexpected pregnancy." Mordin scratched the back of his head as he spoke.

"No thanks Mordin." Tali answered, much to Shepard's surprise. Picking up on her husband's shock she elaborated. "I know you're thinking about how quarians are only allowed one child per family, but that law only talks about one-hundred percent quarian children…"

"Oh…" Shepard gasped knowingly. "So you're saying…"

"Maybe once this reaper business is all finished with, we could give Rael a little brother or sister?" Tali finished for him.

"Well two half-quarians would equal one full quarian so I'd say don't go past two." Shala interjected. Shepard and Tali glared at her before returning their attentions to Rael. Suddenly there was a large explosion and Grunt ran into the room with the biggest simile krogan-ly possible on his face.

"Guys guess what! KroganSl4y3r85 and I are getting married!"

* * *

Rael reached out, trying to grasp the model Normandy held just out of the young quarian-human hybrid's reach. Shepard was pretending to fly it around over the infant's head while making whoosh-ing noises. At first this had entertained Rael, but now he wanted to play with the Normandy himself. Shepard handed the model to Rael, who enthusiastically began to try "flying it". Of course being an infant, he soon decided it would be much more fun to chew on said model while Tali and Shepard laughed.

Garrus smiled as he watched the spectacle before him. He had recovered quite well from accidentally ingesting the levo-amino drink, the only side-effect was that a small amount of brain damage had left him with a slight limp. He decided that this was enough of watching the new parents and departed. Garrus strolled through the bridge of the Normandy on his way to pay a visit to Mordin. The metal jaw and scarring had been cool at first, but the turian was hoping that it could be upgraded to something a little less horrific looking. Upon entering Dr. Solus' laboratory he found the salarian in question hunched over his computer typing at an extremely fast pace…

* * *

And so they all lived happily, ever, after (Except for Thane, who died). But take heart readers, for the epilogue yet remains!

Slicerness won and Dr. Yog'Sothoth vas Tfarcevol is his cameo.

I could write a really cool speech, but I probably just quote the speech from _Independence Day _and make a few changes to suit my purposes so instead here's this!

As of this writing, An Unfortunate Mix Up has:

had 200 Reviews

had 46,395 hits

A TV Tropes Page (Though admittedly I made it.)

Been translated into Russian by Channet (Thanks Channet!)

Is in 4 C2s

Is on the favorites list of 109 authors

And is on the alerts list of 116

Simply. Wow. Now for some acknowledgements.

Congratulations to everyone who won the cameo contests:

-KoKoTheBunga

-Lord Andreas

-AnimusFerrus

-darksammy5

-Lorvahaven

-Slicerness

Now, a special thanks to some of the reviewers who most frequently have given their imput:

-A Candle in the Night

-Number66

-GethKiller117

-Super-Saiyan-3-Vegeta

-ChaosEagle22

-And everyone else who has reviewed or contributed in some way

It's been a great ride, see you all at the epilogue!

Until next time,

Insane Guy of DOOM

PS: Does the last section seem rather… _familiar_ to anyone?


	16. Epilogue

Epilogue!111111!

Sorry this has taken so long, but I've been dealing with writer's block for it, as well as the World of Warcraft: Cataclysm BETA test. But without further ado: the epilogue!

Now this epilogue takes place 21 years after the previous chapter, I'll try to keep it as vague as possible. All I can confirm are:

Rael, Tali, Shepard and Garrus (at least) survived the reapers.

Thane died from the skick (That's a reference to Peter Chimaera)

They beat the reapers.

The Shepard family are living on Rannoch, how the quarians got it back is up to your imagination.

* * *

An Unfortunate Mix Up: Epilogue

Rael'Shepard nar Normandy finished preparing his bags and suit. It was a heavily modified quarian exosuit, changed to be nothing more than normal clothing as, fortunately, he possessed his father's immune system. Rael was about to embark on his pilgrimage, thought now that the quarians had Rannoch back they had significantly lowered how far one needed to travel. He could only have to go as far as the next quarian equivalent of a state over, or choose to visit the stars. Having spent most of his childhood aboard the Normandy, Rael of course picked to explore the galaxy.

The young quarian-human hybrid finished his packing and went to go say goodbye to his parents before embarking on his epic journey.

* * *

There was a rather small going away party for Rael, his parents were of course there, but due to various issues throughout the galaxy the only other person to show up was Garrus.

"So how's the Mrs. doing Garrus? Shepard asked, while the three were still unaware of Rael's entrance.

"Still as flexible as ever." Garrus responded while attempting a human smile. His face then visibly darkened. "Sorry she couldn't make it Shepard, but Lilihi gets sick during interstellar travel, and someone had to watch over her." Rael made a coughing noise to draw the other's attention.

Tali immediately ran forward and caught her son in a massive hug. "Oh Rael, you look so handsome!" Rael separated himself from Tali and walked over to Shepard.

"Son…" The commander began before grabbing him into an even bigger hug.

"Thanks dad… can't… breath…" Rael chocked out and Shepard sheepishly released his son. He then went over to shake hands with his "uncle" Garrus, but instead the turian embraced him as well.

"Good luck out there kid." Rael smiled at Garrus and picked up his discarded bags.

"Now you be careful out there Rael. If you seen someone who's armed, shoot first, ask later. Don't eat anything that's still moving no matter how safe the salesperson says it is and whatever you do stay away from Omega. I _do not_ want to see you on the cover of _Fornax_ magazine!" Tail lectured while unlocking the front door. Rael looked to his father in confusion about the last statement and Shepard mouthed "you don't want to know".

* * *

After several more tearful goodbyes, Rael had exited and traveled off to being his pilgrimage. Tali looked towards Shepard and sighed.

"They grow up so fast." She remarked. "It seems like just last chapter he was coming out of my pouch for the first time…" Shepard walked up to his quarian wife and put his arm around her shoulder.

"You know Tali, that retrovirus wasn't an unfortunate mix-up after all. It was the most fortunate thing to ever happen to us." Shepard said the cheesiest, most sappy way possible. For this is the end, and it too, is very fortunate.

* * *

THEEND (That's another reference to Peter Chimaera). Now get yourselves in gear for the super collaboration project between AnimusFerrus and I. Also I might do a few oneshots featuring Rael (still as an infant) in the future.

Until next time,

Insane Guy of DOOM!


End file.
